I must admit. The things I had to do to cope with his absence… I missed him everyday. Any time anything ever happened, good or bad, he was the one I wanted to talk to. I thought of Ryan every day. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant and he was my first thought when I woke up as well as my last thought before going to bed. That numbed out pain of missing him was always there, with regret, and longing. Just knowing that he could have been here if not for my selfish desire to avoid hell only to wind up a vampire anyway…
I owe him. He missed out on so much of just living. Now all that is left the dreadful expectation of the end of the world and we have no time to have a life together anymore. I robbed him of almost 200 years with me and I can’t help but wonder what his thoughts were while unconscious for a day and a half in hell while he was locked in that broom closet.
Was he cursing my name and yet hoping I would be happy without him? What was he thinking!?!
Save her. Save my wife at the expense of my own life if I have to because I’m the one who dragged her into vampiracy anyway. I know it was. Ryan loves me like Paul loves Lorena and it is only because Paul reminded me of that love, that art of friendship and willingness to be anything that person needed so long as they survive… even if that meant being a sacrifice… That’s why I decided to get a boyfriend after this was all over.
I missed it. Letting someone in. Letting someone love me. But, no one would do it right because they were not Ryan and would not love me to the extreme that he did. I began to wonder if maybe it was just obsession or something that compelled him and gave up on the world. If Anna could be put on lockdown for loving someone, then I could go willingly. Why be unhappy with someone I only sort of love when I can have the love that I lost? How am I going to find the love that I lost when no vampire is that unselfish?
Even Troy . Who is probably the champion for human women among vampires. He tries the hardest to ensure that they will survive, and stay human. But, even he is incapable of the unselfish willingness to die for the person he loves the most. Which is only reasonable because most vampires are selfish. Who do you love the most? Myself, that’s their answer.
I envied humans and their ability to love so purely. I thought maybe this kind of selfishness was a prerequisite for being a vampire and that I would never find love again. No point in marrying a human only to watch him die slowly and sulk because in the face of a 200 year marriage to a vampire I’d only get a good 50 then have to act as a nurse for the rest of the time. I am stuck in eternal youth and want someone I can share that with. And I will not rob someone of the chance to go to heaven that didn’t choose this life to kill people for food and tell him that it was because I was selfish enough to take their life and their life’s potential away because of what I wanted.
I was stuck and I knew it. I could not make that decision like Ryan did. And although I did not regret it, I knew I could not speak for how someone else might feel if I did the same thing to a human man. And what’s to say that he would stay with me anyway? What’s to say that if I did bite someone that he would decide to stay forever with me as I had intended instead of running off and either becoming a playboy who dates his meals or someone who would leave me, preferring another vampire instead? What’s to say that loving someone else wouldn’t be a total and complete waste of my time… like it had been when I decided to try, for real, at least once about a hundred years ago?
Paul excluded of course. Yes, he really is just that gorgeous. But, that’s beside the point.
I got the best gift I had ever gotten and may never ever wish for anything ever again on Christmas morning because I got it. All I wanted was Ryan back. Even if it was just for a day. Just one last time after so many years to just look into his eyes, see his smile, and listen to the sound of his voice. I would have been happy if all I got was a coma where I was trapped sitting in a room across from him.
I missed him that much. And now here he is reaching to hold my hand and help me up. How we got on a sandy beach with a bonfire after jumping into a portal in hell I have no idea. I hope we really made it back. Gabriel was with us so I have no real reason to believe that we didn’t. Fears within say that this could just be another section of hell where I’ll have to watch Ryan get taken away from me again. But, I know. Hell is not that kind. Not kind enough for me to see him and feel the warmth of his hand again.
* * *
“Elle?” he asked.
I was dazed and star struck and unable to move. I just looked into his eyes.
“Babe?” he said gently as he helped me to my feet.
“I…” I choked and sobbed. I couldn’t help it. I lunged at him and threw my arms around him toppling us both over. I heard him speaking but it was muffled through my tears.
He stroked my back and ran his fingers through my hair as though he was rediscovering me. I wondered if he loved me less than before and looked up at him with pitiful eyes that questioned him.
“You know… it really was just yesterday that I saw you. Nothing has changed for me. Does this mean you’re able to go back to our life together even if it’s on the run?” he asked softly.
I just nodded my head and rested my cheek on his chest. His heart beat twice then stopped. I held onto him. I held on to him so tightly and even though it had been a long time since I had let anyone touch me, I finally felt like I was home again because I was in his arms. At daybreak looking into the first rays of sunlight shining in his eyes I took what felt like the first breath I had taken ever since he had been taken away from me.
Unfortunately the Coast Guard got quite an eyeful and I’m pretty sure we gave new meaning to streaking as we ran in vampire speed to find clothes and a car since vampire speed looks like a streak of color to humans.
We were on the road, dressed, and ordering coffee inside of ten minutes.
“Where to?” Ryan asked.
I looked bewildered. Like I know. Then again, I’ve been here and he’s been… away. For a long time no less. “Um…”
Where would we be safe? I can’t let anyone know he’s back or they’ll come after him again.
“Baja.” I finally answered him. Paul has a place in Baja. That’s where I’d sent the last letter asking him to meet me at the Marble Dome.
“Who’s there?” Ryan asked as I snuggled into his chest while he wrapped his arm around me as he drove.
“The only friend in the world who won’t turn us in.” I explained.
Besides. It’s just for a little while. My objective is to get to Transylvania. I mean, I can’t be selfish and enjoy having my husband back for more than a few days before we have to get on with the mission. But, at least Gabriel left me with a wingman I can keep. We have to go and sabotage Primus one more time before we can disappear.
After all, if he catches Paul, and kills him then Ryan and I will never get to return to human again without repeating our past. And there is no way in hell I’m going to lose him again.
(Photo courtesy of: suckerpunchcinema.com )
Music for this episode – Beautiful Love by The Afters:
BLOOD RED GAMES:
1. This episode: Who got an eyeful of Ryan and Elle on the beach?
2. From the FEATURED BLOG below: On September 6, 2012 – Return of ______ Fridays?
2. From the FEATURED BLOG below: No more mr _____ guy?