Hey, there’s a problem when someone that you love dearly tells you that they want to see you, not because they actually want to see you but because someone else told them to call. This is the problem that my husband Samuel had incurred today. When is the last time that he told me he missed me? The last time he made time for me? The last time he even thought to call? I feel more like a pen pal than a wife. And he calls asking me to come home immediately… not because he’s wrought with passion he can no longer contain and misses me terribly. Not because his days are sad and empty because I’m not around. Not because he puts me in his life. Nope. If I see him it is because I went to see him. If we talk it’s because I’m the one who started the conversation. I feel like I’ve been exiled from my own home and am completely unwelcome there for all of the difference my absence has made.
But, I got a call today – which was already suspect because he bothered at all- but also because he tried to make it sound like nothing was wrong and like we were as great as we used to be. Who is he trying to impress and save face in front of? A friend or relative no doubt. I bet he doesn’t even know how long I’ve been away from home and will need to confirm it with me privately so he doesn’t look like a fool when he says it’s only been a few weeks when really almost three months have gone by since he last saw my face.
I lay awake at night wondering why he’s so pleasantly fine without me and how much I mattered. I wonder if he was waiting for another woman’s texts after I’d fall asleep by his side and why he smiles so brightly in the morning until I wake up. It’s like he thinks “Oh, it’s you. I wish I woke up with someone else. I’m glad you’re here to make me feel like I’m worth something and it only makes me feel more excited to replace you with anything that moves as long as it’s not you.”
This is what my marriage has come to. He tells me that I’m crazy, mistaken, deluded, and taking my insecurities too far. Maybe we have just been married for too long. Sam says that he loves me every bit as he always has. But, I don’t feel that love like I used to. I don’t see that passion and desire in his eyes anymore. And I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong because I still do feel that way. And I know that those feelings are being channeled through feeling insecure, but when you’ve done everything to get the slightest rise out of your husband and performed outrageously embarrassing acts of love for “That’s nice honey” to be all you get out of it… It can drive a woman mad. Like a stand up comic giving his best material to only get half of a smile from the only member of the audience. You want to get right there in that person’s face and yell “Laugh damn it!” at the top of your lungs!
I want to believe that he’s calling me home because he wants me, misses me, still needs me and feels like he has a void in his life when I’m not around. And the best I can get these days is that his mother wants me to come to dinner because she feels I’ve been away for too long and had Sam send me the text. She feels that way. Not Sam, his mom… my mother in law… who hates me 90% of the time misses me more than my husband. And I have to walk in there and not want to set the house on fire.
* * *
“I can’t stay. Raphael just sent me on an extraction mission.” I explained as I clouded into my living room.
I must sound like a real hypocrite to him right now. Running off as soon as I get here instead of telling him how much I have missed him and longed for him. But, I can’t stand that he’s not the one who called for me. I mean, did he stuff another woman and child into a closet in hopes I’d only stay for five minutes or so? He hates being alone and I’ve been gone. How am I not supposed to feel jealous and let my imagination get the best of me when he’s so shut down we can’t even talk? He was like that when I was home every day and stays like that now.
It’s not like I don’t want to be here. But, I’d much rather be somewhere else pretending that he misses me than to be here every day feeling like I’m unwanted in my own home laying next to him or so much as making a sandwich in my own kitchen.
“I need to talk to you.” Sam said and led me upstairs into our bedroom.
Great. I have been begging him for some communication for eight months now and today he wants to talk… probably because his mother told him to do that too. Why can’t he put effort into me on his own without someone else telling him to respond to his wife and be there for her and talk to her and just… try?
“Why did you call me home today Sam?” I asked with a certain disdain in my voice.
“You sound so happy to be here Gwen.” he said sadly and sat on the bed.
“You never call. You act like you don’t even miss me. Hell, I might as well move out for how much you act like you notice that I’m gone. So you text me to come home out of the blue? I feel like you don’t want me here. I want to be here but I just can’t take the idea that you…” I rambled on as tears flooded my eyes and overtook me.
“Gwen. It’s not like that.” Sam said as he stood up and finally realized where I was coming from. He grabbed my hand, and led me to the bed to sit beside him.
“The Oracle told me that Alistor would come looking for you. There was no time frame except that it would be sometime this year. I had to make it hard for you to stay around because knowing you, you’d want to fight him, and I couldn’t lose you to a vicious shape shifting traitor who’s working for Primus. I was alright here by myself, knowing that you were safe was enough to make me happy. It’s not like enjoyed not waking up to see your face Gwen.” Sam explained.
“Good because I was ready to slap you or something. I was truly going crazy here.” I said.
I let my mind wander and looked deeply into his eyes. If Alistor was coming for me then sending me away was the right thing to do. But, then again… Is this really Sam? Was the sudden call to come home from his mother a trick and the shape shifter killed his mother? Or worse, is Sam dead and that’s why she all but ordered me to return immediately? Whose hand am I really holding right now?
His hand tightened around mine.
“So…” I continued. “Did Alistor come by looking for me or did you just want to warn me to stay away a little longer?”
I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. If it were not for the fact that my boys are away from home as well, helping with Raphael’s mobilization for the humble I would be in more pain and shock.
Is everyone at home dead and I’ve been griping about why I got the call when really someone was calling for help?
***Blood Red Games has ended.
Epic Recall begins this week.***
(Photo courtesy of: www.inewidea.com)
Music for this episode – Secret by Madonna