I wish I had a few moments to myself. I want to tell Deacon that I really like him, but that at the end of the day the only person that’s still in my heart is Troy and I don’t know why. I have tried everything to purge him out. I want to loathe him. I want to be able to fully give myself over to someone else’s love. To Belen, to Deacon, to someone who appreciates me and doesn’t make me feel like they don’t care about what happens to me.
Troy never came to me to negotiate what the outcome would be. Or to ask me how I felt as though that answer would contribute to his ultimate decision. No. He’d ask as a courtesy so that he could say that he had given me the opportunity to make my voice known, then proceed to inform me of what his decision was regardless of how I felt.
Sometimes, he’d come to negotiate or even ask what he should do. But, I knew when he’d stand leaning to his left and trying to keep his game face unchanged that he was leaning to his side regardless of what that meant for me. That’s why I didn’t say a word when he said he was leaving. What for?
He talked for what seemed like it was a long time that day. I think I zoned out a little trying to piece together how or why he could have this much hate for me when I am the one who had tried the hardest to love him. By his own admission, no one ever loved him more than me.
And this is what I got? You leave me standing there to go play house with some woman who you said wouldn’t give you the time of day without entrancing her. But why should that matter after telling me that you never wanted me, quite possibly had nothing better to do, and would require an act like a literal act of God in order to want me anyway.
Was that what you were thinking every night that I fell asleep in your arms? “Dear God please let me find someone to replace her with soon. Anything but being doomed to having to stay with her.” That’s what I fall asleep thinking Belen hoped, and if I allowed it Deacon too.
How is it that I was worth losing? Then you come back saying you have to fix it and expect everything to be fine. Actually getting upset when I don’t treat you like the center of my universe whenever you enter the room. Seriously? And then you left me again! When did you ever try and come after me when Primus split my personality?
I used to have nightmares where I would wake up, drenched in sweat, hyperventilating, and in tears because I had dreamt that we’d passed each other as strangers. Like I was the only one who remembered us, and you looked at me like I was crazy and rude for staring hoping for some recognition in your eyes. Not even a hello. Just a timid look at me then away, uncomfortable that some strange woman had stood in your way waiting for you to remember her.
I wish I had a few moments. One last day with Troy to fill like I had soaked up enough of feeling normal to allow my pride to expel him from my life forever. What self respecting woman takes a man back after all of that? Millions, because it’s not really respect. Its loving someone enough to forgive them and swallow your pride.
Can I swallow my pride? Do I even truly believe that he still wants me? I want to help Raphael. But, I also want to leave the Jade Gates and find Troy. Find out if I even need to painfully gulp down the last of my dignity. I could very well find him completely taken with this girl that he left me for on a mission from Primus. Should I even try to find him? My head says no, but my heart says that I’ll never be rid of him enough to truly love someone else if I don’t see him one more time.
Those were my thoughts before a sharp agonizing pain tore through me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream. I saw the teal eyes of a new vampire standing over me. Looking intently at me, seemingly cutting into me with her eyes.
I felt a pool of warmth filling under me. Which I found to be my blood. She reached into me, grabbing me by my spine and began to drag me out of my chambers. I still couldn’t move. Not to breathe, or to scream.
I was frozen, still looking half asleep. Only now I was wide awake and in agonizing pain. She seemed to make me float standing up and left me by the door. She stepped out and I heard a thump and only as I was being taken out of the room, her hand on my spine, dragging a floating me alongside her did I see Deacon frozen in place and facing the hall in front of him.
But, he saw me. From the corner of his eye, he looked on as I was being carried away as unable to help me as I was to help myself. I heard someone calling for me. But, I could hardly concentrate enough to figure out who due to the pain. I wondered if shock would sink in and where she was taking me. To Primus. It has to be.
Gwen found me and before she could make a move, her fingers unwrapped from around my spine and I was floating mid air. But, I felt it. The crunching sound my bones made as she looked at my gut sawing through my spine with her eyes.
I looked at Gwen grateful that she had tried to help me. But, I knew. Either I would wake up or I wouldn’t. Then nothingness found me. A shroud of dark nothingness.
* * *
Hide her in Petra? Great. There are places in Petra I can hide her that she won’t be able to get out of even if she does wake up. Couldn’t I put her in a pyramid for a little while instead? I mean it is a giant tomb. But, if she wakes up in the wrong place and gets killed for real it would be my fault. So, on to Petra it is.
I can’t just leave her like this though. I clouded to the entrance and found a great hall hewn into the rock face with beautiful pillars inlaid outside. I left her there for a little while so I could get her the proper burial supplies. Not many know this, but I do have a few vampire acquaintances who frequent my side of the world. I live in Seoul, Korea most of the time and they happen to need transport here and there. Trading secrets for the services rendered.
I learned that Holy objects do not effect a flatliner who has been blessed, and that immortal resonance sludge speeds in healing, and so happens to contain Holy oil. I gathered some, a few large rolls of gauze, and snagged one of our glass coffins in Nigeria for her. The beauty of this glass is that it is made of a particular kind of crystal infused with angelic blessing. It blends in anywhere. I could set her in the middle of the desert and the light would make it look like a diamond mirage until you got up close. I need somewhere with little to no light though for her safety. She’ll be undetectable… now that she is underwater.
As quickly as I could, I clouded a layer of rock from under the monastery in Petra, filled it with ocean water and placed Belle’s airtight coffin in the hidden pool, under the floor of the monastery. Vampires cannot detect each other in water. No one will know she is here.
And I’m running late. In five minutes I will have reached my two hour deadline. I wondered what Raphael meant by “dire need.” I wanted to hurry and help Elle and Ryan, but at the same time I knew. This was it. I was probably not going to see Belle again and no one would know she was here besides me and God until she wakes up.
I prayed over her and said my goodbyes. I only hope that wrapping her in sludge soaked bandages speeds her physical recovery so that she’s completely healed by the time she wakes up.
Clouding towards Rome was bittersweet. Leaving someone behind always is, even if you know that they will be alright in the long run.
As I entered the courtyard entrance of Vatican City I felt like if I had been thirty seconds later it might have been too late. As I live and breathe, Mars is out. All of the sand in the air, and that smell. It’s him, I know it.
I ran towards the Basilica and found Elle crouching over Ryan. He was injured but seemed like he was more woozy than injured. She couldn’t get him up and he couldn’t help himself. A group of priests were running towards them with crosses they intended to use as stakes.
Mars stood there, looking like Ryan’s clone except for the red in his eyes angrily pouting. He watched as I surrounded Elle and Ryan with mist. A sharp edge came careening through the cloud as I began to lift off. Though I knew this would backfire, I managed to accomplish my goal.
I sent the cloud containing Elle and Ryan to the Jade Gates, as I sank to the ground losing consciousness and feeling the warm tinkle of my own blood running down my back. The sharp edge that peered through my veil of mist met its intended target.
Mars never forgot about me you see. Before I got married to Samuel… we were kind of a couple. I found out he only wanted one thing and had the nerve to be angry at me when I broke up with him for using me. He never found it.
Hence the dagger in my side.
I looked into his eyes and realized that part of me missed him. His eyes were red and furious, and his lips curled into a smile.
“What if I fix this?” he said standing over me.
“What if you go back to hell?” is what I wanted to say, but I blacked out and didn’t get the chance. Unlike vampires, silver is dangerous for us and guess what this dagger is made of?
Music for this episode – Viva La Vida by Coldplay