Episode 4 – Part 1: Crush

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Dear Elle,

Elle, in your absence I have been trying to have a conversation with myself where I sort of pretend I’m talking to you and these are the things you would say to me.

I miss you. You’re my best friend and even though I never see you I need to talk to you desperately.

You see, there is this guy that I really like and he is just so beautiful. He’s really shy but sometimes he completely stuns me with his boldness. He likes me at least a little and I want to see more and more of him. But, at the same time I’m terrified that I’m going to screw this up.

Almost like, he’s just too beautiful to be mine.

No one that beautiful and wonderful should belong to someone as damaged and tattered as me. I mean I put my best foot forward here and put on a good face. I’m scared he’ll realize that I’m so frightened and insecure because HELLO confidence is what’s sexy. So for our 5 minute interludes… I’m confident. Then I fall apart in private and wonder if he over thinks all of this as much as I do.

So, here is our latest faux conversation Elle. If you can follow along hehehe:

Don’t dissect yourself.

He was trying to be really open and proud of his accomplishment and you took digs at him. You didn’t think before you spoke and you are as guilty as Clark for that. You would like to think that he likes that you are catty and witty and that he was just happy that you were speaking to him but what if he felt attacked and like you are hostile?

You could have said that you were proud of him for getting in the kitchen and encouraged him to make something else for you to try.

Instead you were destructive and because he is mature and caring he laughed it off. You do not know if he is wagering not liking you anymore because you are still toxic from Clark. It may or may not be true that men like bitches. But, at least you ended the conversation with an interest to test his cooking and he was still smiling.

He probably was sincerely happy to hug you and that he got to talk to you. That may have made his day.

This is why you have been reduced to baby steps and not seeing him often because as great as the conversations in your head are, what comes out of your mouth is still totally different. Not seeing him all of the time is God’s way of preserving this little romantic thought of yours because you have less of an opportunity to be destructive, change his opinion of you, or project the damage you are trying to recover from. In fact, this may also boost him into wanting to see you despite your venom because he misses you after a while too and apparently is still interested. A little bit at least.

You may not have messed it all up as badly as you think. But, silence is golden. Let him continue to do the speaking and try to only answer questions when asked. Tease but only up to a point or you will just come off as mean.

You want to be good to him. You want to project that you will take good care of him. But, also that you are a challenge and thus more desirable. And too you don’t want to seem too compliant because men like a feisty girl.

Even the other patients think you are cute when you think you are lacking and it may be a good thing that you are not all dressed up each time he sees you so that he can appreciate you more and more as you are since you are still on the road to who you want to be.

I want to be the person I dream about. The person I see myself as when I daydream about him. But, I’m not. I’m me. Sharp. Witty. Caring. Pointy-er than I used to be. And still he likes me. I want him to see the soft beautiful person that I want to be and not the damaged girl that exists.


I looked up the dish Adam was talking about and it is beautiful. He made this beautiful thing and I basically laughed at him and questioned how good it tasted asking if he was reduced to cooking because his mom was too busy. (Well, in my defense she is a chef and I wondered if she was still upset with him for not eating at home more. Thus, he was reduced to cooking for himself.)

Does that sound like ready to date and be good to someone material to you? Nope. I should continue on with my first thought which was to leave that man alone. I mean it’s bad enough that I’m still damaged and in pieces from Clark. It’s bad enough that it took this long to gather some semblance of self esteem and confidence. But, no. As soon as I talk to someone that I really like I’m just toxic. How can I pull this off? Maybe that too is why it’s taking so long to get anywhere. It’s like mini tests. God let’s me see him and I screw up and God has to back things off so that I don’t completely ruin them and when a month or so has passed and it’s been long enough for him to miss me too then I get to try again. How long should I really expect him to stay interested if that is the case? I’d better figure out a way to get myself together or I’m going to regret this.

Instead of wishing for him I will just be hardened and alone. And I hate that Clark gets to ride off in the sunset with some woman who barely made the grade because she reminds him of some crush in grade school leaving me here damaged like this.

I hate that I’m paying for him leaving in this way. Because I would really hate myself if I hurt this man, Adam. And only God knows if I already did. I don’t want him to feel toyed with by an evil princess.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Elle, what do you think? Am I close to what you would tell me?

Where are you? Why haven’t you written me? You know I can’t go out in public all that much either. I may have to sneak over and see you. But, I’m kind of scared. I mean, I only look great sometimes. This experiment that Primus has me in makes me look dreadful sometimes and I really hate to go out in public.

Maybe I could come see you for a week and we could have tea in your garden and talk and laugh like old schoolmates.

Would that be okay?

I’m officially inviting myself over and will be there in a few days… When daylight is not such a problem. I hear it will rain.

I did tell you about the experiment right? Dreadful, but useful.

They didn’t say anything about these wings that are growing off of my shoulder blades. They look weird. Like misplaced buffalo wings. I was in restraints for a couple of weeks because I kept cutting them off.

Now they are fully grown. I look like a terrifying angel. How the hell am I going to get a date with this guy now???

I used to have pearly white razor sharp teeth and now they’re turning into some kind of silver. I thought it was just on the outside, you know. Like outside of the enamel. But, nope. I chipped a tooth and its silver through and through. I was gargling with whiskey for the pain and decided to stop spitting it out. It took the edge off.

I now sympathize with every 2 year old child that’s had to endure teething.

I’ll be there as soon as the storm moves in. Give me two, maybe three days.


(Photo for this episode: www.flash-screen.com)

Music for this episode by – Miss Murder by AFI (Instrumental)