Ares did something that surprised me. Something that has several hues of decency as well as the underlying tone of sadistic satisfaction… for him at least. He decided to let me go home and explain to my husband that I would be leaving him and why. He didn’t care what I told him, even if it was the truth. He just wanted the satisfaction of winning and causing the misery he thought he’d felt when I rejected him. Ares hasn’t been married for two hundred centuries though.
How could I do this to Sam? I mean, I’ve already let Ares have my body. I’m going home with his spit still dried on my neck and the taste of his lips still in my mouth. I’m going home dirty. I feel like I’m covered in mud… would that it was just mud. Would that it was not the smell of him seeping out from my pores. Anything but having to leave my home and my family for the man that shattered my life and broke my heart. Anything but having to look into Sam’s eyes and the eyes of my children as I beg them to understand.
Anything but this. Yet I went. They deserve to hear it from me and to know the truth from my own mouth. To hear not a rumor, not hearsay, not hand me down information from Raphael. No, as ashamed as I feel, I owe it to them to tell my family myself and take whatever comes from it.
I clouded home. I stood in my living room and waited for just a moment. Trying to memorize the smells of home. The fresh bread coming from the kitchen, the hydrangeas blowing in from the front yard, the smell of tea and oranges mixing in from the back yard and the hint of jasmine from my candles in the dining area. The sounds of the old swing creaking on the front porch in the breeze, the bell on the dog’s collar randomly jingling as he played in the sitting room with Sam’s old boot, the sound of my boys claiming the other had cheated at a video game upstairs calling their sister in to referee and inevitably beat them both at it.
I was about to destroy this. My whole little world… gone… in about the 5 minutes it would take to break this man’s heart.
“Gwenie, you’re home baby. I thought I saw a wisp of white air. Come in I made bread.” Sam said gently as he grabbed my hand and led me to the kitchen table. The very cushion I sat on felt soiled from my presence here.
“Sam I…” I tried to begin and started to choke on my own words. I just looked at him and let myself swim in his eyes for a few second before I realized that tears flowed freely down my face.
“I already know dear. You and me forever. Gwen darling, we have been together since nearly the dawn of time. One unit. One person. Do you really think I don’t know why you’ve done this or how you must feel? Do you know why I look for you and yet have the utmost faith in you? Let me tell you what you came here to say to me today okay?” he said warmly and sat down next to me kissing my forehead as he did.
I flinched at his touch, feeling filthy and wanting to rip my skin off. I bet Ares really would do that if I made him mad enough at me.
“Okay, so, you came here to tell me that Ares was back and now you are with him. Right?” he began.
I just nodded in response.
“He’s already had you and you can’t get out of it without Zion being killed somewhere in the process. Still on the right path?” he said while reaching to hold my hands.
I nodded again.
“That’s the gist of it then. But, I know you. So much more than you give me credit for Gwen. You’re not in love with him just like you’re not in love with me.” he said plainly.
I wanted to protest. His very words seeming like cold daggers shooting through my heart.
“You were in love a very long time ago… with him. And after that, some part of you died and you never fell in love again. You love me, yes. You would rather be with me because you know that I love you and you feel safe, yes. You would never do anything to hurt me and would let Zion go and do this with him if you did not know him so well and know that he would probably kill our daughter somewhere somehow, right? So, I’m not mad.” he concluded.
“How?” was all I could muster.
“You and I are one. We always will be. This thing has not just happened to you, but to me as well. We are both in this hellish quandary. But, you have the awesome part. You get to see if being with this man can somehow unbreak the parts of you that he destroyed. And when this is all over you will come home. I know you will. We will be here Gwen, right here, waiting for you.” he said moving in closer to me.
“But I’m your wife and I let him…” I began to say as sobs cut me off.
“We are one. I would no sooner hate you than I would hate myself and cut off my own right arm. You are part of me. And that part of me has to do what she has to do to save our daughter and then come home. That’s how I choose to look at this. You must survive and come back to me.” Sam said and kissed me hard.
As much as I wanted to enjoy that kiss, all I could think of is where my lips had just been.
“I don’t care how much dirt you think you have on you. You are still my wife. My one and only wife whom I love more than life and I know that you would have done anything to NOT have to be here today like this. But, you will survive and come back to me. I know you will. That or you’ll die trying.” Sam said.
“How do you know I will? Sam, how do you know for sure that he won’t unlock that part of my heart like you said and that I won’t just stay with him?” I asked angry with myself and crying.
He chuckled softly and hugged me. “Because we are one. Your heart is my heart, and my heart will always fight to come back to me. Do you remember what you told me years ago Gwen?”
I shook my head. We’ve had a lot of conversations.
“I know. You talk a lot huh?” he said chuckling. “You said, ‘Samuel here is my heart. Don’t break it, or lose it, or give it away. That is the only way that you will ever get rid of me. That is the only way another man will ever get me away from you. Unless you throw my heart away it will never leave and as far and wide as it may travel over the years, it will always belong to you and it will always fight to return to the pocket you keep it in.'” he said and held me.
I finally felt like I had returned home and that his arms were the place I had been fighting and struggling to return to. I wondered if it would be possible to sneak away and have an affair with my husband while I was out having an affair with Ares whom I hate in a lot of ways.
I took a deep breath and remembered that anniversary that Sam spoke of and the glass heart pendant I had given him. He literally walks around with my heart in his pocket. He has never lost or so much as scratched that glass heart and he’s had it on his person every day since I gave it to him. He was right. Unless he were to give my heart to Ares, I would never stay away from Sam. I would return. No matter what my emotions told me, Sam’s arms were my home and I would surely return home.
“I love you.” I whispered as I looked into his eyes one last time.
I clouded out and found myself at the Jade Gates. It was better to turn myself in now and let them know where I would be rather than leave them guessing. Also, I’d like to take a bath and ask Raphael to cleanse me one last time before I feel I’ll be defiled for all time.
Then there is the little matter of what to do next, and before my two hours are up. Ares has me on some sort of time schedule you see.
(Photo courtesy of: buburuza.net)
Music for this episode – Turning Page by Sleeping At Last