Am I angry?
I heard today that Clarke got married to that human woman. It felt like a punch in the gut. Not because he got married. I expected that. But, because I know he’s out there accomplishing his next set of 50 year goals and I was supposed to be there. When he opens his first nightclub, his dream… I was supposed to be there.
I was supposed to help paint and pick the color scheme and be there for the excitement of opening night. Seeing him and his new wife in a commercial (while eating dinner at a sports grill) for their new nearby nightly attraction, that he flatlined her, and that he’s out there living the life that we planned together… It feels like a slap in the face.
I tried to hide my disgust and be cheerful as Adam filled us in on all of the vampire news we’d missed while I was at Elle’s house and she was well… in hell rescuing people. I wish I had something more heroic than sulking in her living room to account for my time.
I felt like a sad little failure. Here I am, half banshee with a dark gift I’d never had before. Posing as an underwear model and pulling it off because I am a beautiful woman. I’m smart, I’m fun, I felt stupid because this stunningly gorgeous immortal is madly in love with me and is better than Clarke in every single possible way…
I let my thoughts wonder until we piled back into the car and I heard something on the radio that caught my attention. A friendly voice somewhere out of Texas told a joke about how a little boy’s mother asked what Jesus would do when he did not want to share with his sister. He ultimately told his sister she could be Jesus and let him have the candy.
But, he went on to say that we have to do something for ourselves that no one else can do. I have to remove the negative labels that I accepted from other people. I never called myself a failure, not good enough, not pretty enough, not someone who a man would want to spend more than a few decades with, something to do in the meantime…
I have to replace those words and if I don’t I will never believe Adam’s loving kindness towards me.
This gave me fresh eyes.
I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not pain, not jealousy. Seriously, not jealousy. She can have him. If my life with him was stolen by her then more power to her. Perhaps he’ll be nicer to her than he was to me, I mean seriously, I would hate to think that he’d smile in her face, look her in the eye, and after gushing over how she’s the greatest thing to ever happen to him perk his lips up and tell her that the only reason they were ever together is because there was nothing better to do at the time.
Lorenzo should be choked beyond undead for coming up with such a stupid hurtful thing to say. Mr. Vampire Casanova who was heartbroken by a not quite divorced flatliner who went back to her husband leaving him wanting and waiting. Only for him to marry the first good woman who came along, got old, and died in a house fire that he swears the immortals started (but she was like 96 by then and possibly left a few too many candles burning to save what was left of his soul after he confessed that he was a vampire and could have had a stroke after he left the room to let her think about it). Who knows?
Lorenzo and Clarke… what a pair. Then Troy had the bad luck of meeting Lorenzo and becoming friends until Troy was promoted to seduction as a mission objective whereas Lorenzo always did it for fun. Bad blood followed and Lorenzo decided that if he couldn’t be the most infamous lover then there was no place for him at the Sanctum. Primus gave his room on the floor for the Ancients to Grace and Grace was executed for falling in love with Troy and being so distraught that she let herself get bugged by an immortal teenager giving away our secrets to our enemy.
All the way around, this is messed up. I knew Grace. She was a lot like me. We were never especially close. Not until I started seeing Clarke and she started befriending Troy. After that we were sisters in arms in love with men that didn’t deserve us, but that it was too late to leave them.
I always made a deal with myself. If it hurt less to leave than to stay with Clarke, then I would finally go. It got worse and worse and for every time I thought that he could never top himself in how badly he’d hurt me… he somehow managed to. It’s like he sat awake at night twiddling his thumbs and trying to come up with the latest greatest thing he could say to hurt me.
Somehow telling me that I was not thin enough or enough like his mother did not do the trick. Neither did telling me he didn’t have anything better to do. It was only when he found something better to do that I was convinced that the person I extended every sympathy for the absence of love and affection he had felt in his life, the traumas he had faced, and basically baby sat his every emotion… That’s’ when it sank in.
I was sticking around and sticking up for someone who had used me as a crutch because he reasonably figured “Why not if she’s willing to take the emotional abuse? Why not keep her around when she accepts every horrible thing about me and wants to love me anyway? Why not leave as soon as I can replace her with anyone as long as it’s a female so I can get away from someone who knows the monster beneath this skin but accepts me anyway?”
I was the only one who knew him well enough to hold him accountable for the evil within. Evil he didn’t even understand. Evil that he was unaware of until it was bluntly pointed out. Then he’d feel so bad I’d wind up apologizing for hurting him by simply pointing out how badly he had hurt me.
Traits I hear Lorenzo passed along to his friends… Including Genevieve. That’s how she was able to seduce and bemoan so many immortal men in her perpetual search for Anna. What she didn’t count on finding was the man that would one day marry Anna, the first immortal. Now he won’t see her.
She ripped his guts out… literally. So, I can’t say I blame him.
And now we are on a road trip to Anna’s, with Adam and my best friend Elle and her not so estranged and trapped in hell husband Ryan.
It’s so good to see her happy again. It’s so nice to think that things might have finally worked out for the both of us and here we are in a car together with the men that love us and that we love in return. Well, for her at least. It’s been a long time since I told any man that I truly cared for him. I hope I’m not embellishing my own feelings because I want them to be true so badly with Adam. I want so badly to believe that this one won’t let me down.
I have no choice but to believe him. Bringing vampires into the Smoky Mountains as I understand it is a form of treason in their world when it’s not sanctioned by Neimus, the immortal leader. And he didn’t sanction it. Anna is cooperative, a rebel in so many ways. She said and I quote “Screw Neimus and his power trip. Come on over.”
I’m all for that, except for where Adam is concerned. He’s an immortal and vampires simply don’t know how to kill them. But, since he’s going against his own people who are immortals….
They know how to kill their own kind.
Postmarks will be up in the next Pit Stop soon!
(Photo courtesy of: www.mymodernmet.com)
Music for this episode – Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris Featuring Florence Welch