Against my better judgment, I said screw it and went home with Ryan. Mostly, just to check the mail. I’ve got about five letters. Some of them are pretty old. I wonder how long my mail has been tampered with. I can only assume that this next letter was allowed to reach my hands because I am now considered an enemy of the Sanctum and that Primus hopes I will embark on some mission to help Lorena.
Little does he know, I already did. Little does he know, I attacked the Sanctum and broke Ryan out of hell on the same day. Little does he know, I’ve already met with and agreed to help Paul.
* * *
I keep thinking about Paul. I think things like…
I don’t know if it’s longing or missing you or what. I have never met you yet. I know of you. I’ve tried to picture you. I’ve fallen madly in love with you, the idea of you, the hopeful reality that you exist out there somewhere where I can actually reach you.
The hope of looking at your face and sinking into your eyes and memorizing the soft curves of your smile is all that carries me on. I feel alone. I feel forsaken. I feel like I’m going to have to buckle down and accept that me, myself, and I are going to have to be enough for me in this world because I will not settle for less than you now.
I have this vision in my head of what it would be like to finally be happy but at the same time I’m scared. I truly fear that once I have you, that you will not be able to do what I have done for so many. To know me inside out and love me anyway. I fear that most of all because then I feel you would never be happy with me and would ultimately hate me and leave me for someone else over things that are lacking in me that I have no hope of fixing.
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me let alone understand in the smallest amount why nobody has ever felt that I was worth the trouble of trying to stick around for. No matter how well loved they were. Even if I and only I was the only person to ever show them what it was like to be truly loved and cherished. It’s like they resented me for loving them and not being someone else.
And now this guy is coming. They say he is so great and so sweet and so kind and brave and everything that a man should be. Great. I’m about to fail in epic proportion. How am I supposed to keep THAT happy?
How is someone like me who no one ever truly loved supposed to even know what to do when the right kind of guy finds me and loves me? Won’t I just sabotage myself because all I know how to do is be loathed and despised to a certain extent? To be striving to become someone or something else? How in the hell am I supposed to know what to do when all he wants is for me to be myself in order for him to be happy?
Maybe that’s it. I’ve forgotten who I am and what I’m like and what my cute little quirks are because I was so busy trying to be someone worthy of the man that I loved and lived for to stick around. And where did that get me? I don’t even know if I’ve tailored my laugh to be less annoying, or if I’ve tempered my smile to not show too much teeth, or if when I stand I can do so and look comfortable in my own skin.
Who am I anymore? That’ll count against me. I’m sure of it. They tell me that Paul fell in love with me instantly and I’m sure that since I don’t know when that was… I don’t even know what version of myself to be when he finally gets here so I can keep him happily in love with the person he remembers.
This is going to be a disaster.
I haven’t left the house. I haven’t changed my clothes. I haven’t stopped reading Troy’s lame awful excuse for why he just walked away and never looked back.
He doesn’t love me enough to do right by me? He doesn’t love me enough to fight for me? But, he loved me enough to take the trouble of sucking up every ounce of love that I had to give because he didn’t have anything better to do at the time.
That is what my worth as a human being has amounted to in my short life.
How do I overcome that enough to even try Elle? How do I ever let my guard down enough to believe that someone can even love me?
Troy said all of the right things and did all of the right things that I know of as far as being genuinely loving and romantic. I looked him in the eye for sincerity. It’s in his kiss they say… I thought it was. Maybe I’m clueless. Maybe I should have dated more guys, but I felt like being an easy girl would desensitize me from being able to tell what true love is.
I have wanted to love and be loved in return for as long as I can remember. And while some girls want to be married, or have babies, or cars, or clothes, or shoes, I would have settled for one loving person to just hold my hand.
And I thought that I had it. That fact that it turned out to be a vampire… I let that slide because finally I had someone who cared for me. The fact that he was a womanizer… I let that slide because I made him work harder than easy girls would have and he had plenty of time to give up and go for one of them. The fact that he said and did all of the right things… I let that slide because in truth he was an asshole at times and we’d fight like cats and dogs, so it wasn’t perfect. The non-perfection is what led me to believe that what we had was real.
He never wanted me because I am me. And apparently I am something wrong. I don’t have any of the usual reasons to fall back on this time. It’s not my weight. It wasn’t my age or the color of my skin. It wasn’t my upbringing or the amount of money my family makes, or my level of education, or whether or not I’m pretty.
Nope. I’m human and that’s all. What did he want? A squirrel perhaps? What else was I supposed to be?
Maybe there is something really wrong with me. I mean he really might have, in his own way, loved me and wanted to keep me. That would explain why he bit me so many times. I can’t imagine that I taste that good.
For whatever reason something in me is broken and I can’t even turn into a vampire and be someone he is willing to fight for Elle.
Anyways. Thanks for letting me vent. Troy left your address and everything in the back of this journal [Troy left Lorena a Diary in Chapter 2 of Flatlined…]. I don’t know if he meant to. He wrote himself a little note in one of the back pages saying that he needed to write his only friend and pour his heart out.
I figured that since you’re in the loop on all of this that maybe I could write to you and have someone to talk to as well. Even if you burn this letter and take his side because you’re his friend and not mine that is okay. Just the fact that I got to write someone and tell one living, or if you’re a vampire too then not so living, soul what was going on felt good. Like maybe I’m not all alone in the world and like there might have been some hope for me somewhere.
I don’t expect you to help me. That’s not what I meant. I just meant that as a person that maybe if I hadn’t allowed a vampire to be the one to hold my hand, there would have been some hope for me somewhere in the world to not need to be anything other than myself in order for someone to have wanted to stand with me… even for a short while… and walk next to me in life being happy and proud to do so.
I will rest all of my hope in Paul, should I ever get to meet him. He may be the only time in place before I die, or rather, before I’m murdered by vampires where I will get to look back as my life flashes before my eyes and see some place and time in life where I was loved and it wasn’t an evil trick or a job.
Thanks again for listening.
Post marks: Coming soon!
(Photo courtesy of: www.game-tuts.com)
Music for this episode – Scream and Shout by Will. I. Am and Brittney Spears