(Checking in with Anna the night she received orders to go and heal a very damaged Linus.)
After checking the mail it seems as though I will have to face Linus again. He has probably been out there happy with a slew of other women with absolutely no desire to see me. Up until he called me to brag about being with Genevieve again. I don’t know why I have tried to stay friends with him.
And that is the last time I heard from him. He was with her. Now I get this mission to go and save him somehow because she probably nearly killed him, and again… I’m all he has left.
Why is it always me? He left me and for his best friend no less. He left and although he could have, he never returned. Now I finally have Lorena here and a mission and a reason to move on. The hope of reclaiming my life as my own for the hundredth time… Somehow halted again because I will have to reconcile my feelings for him and find an even keel afterwards.
How can I face him with a smile when he is almost always rubbing it in? Your life is messed up and YOU are on house arrest because you loved me and I never wanted you Anna. That is what his life and his actions and his tendency to need me, tell me every day.
I fell into an old pastime and began reading my diary. This is what I wrote a few months ago when he called me saying he had reconnected with Genevieve…
Boom! Clang! Ding! That bell that sounds when it finally dawns on me that POW I can let it go. Believe me I am grateful… in a sad sort of way. I am still mystified as to what I could have done. Something in and of his own making… a rumor… an overage… a disheartenment meant to deter me because his heart is no longer turned in my direction. Frustration? Who knows.
But, now alas I have a direction that I can go in without feeling as though I am hitting a wall and then trying to climb over it only to land on a bed of nails after which hot coals seal but sear. Now, I know what to do. Be nice but let it go. DO not start a conversation or give into the war that rages on inside of me to love and long for him. Maybe love, but definitely not long for him. Maybe fondly associated feelings because he is a good person. But a healthy distance because he, as I feared, seems to have what all men have in common.
A good person. A rockstar at their job. A horrible man on a man and woman basis. But a great and luxuriously wonderful person when not approached as anything other than a human being. Perhaps that will be all.
I will not have my smile stolen again or be down. I will live a life without walls and run in my newfound direction, happy to have made some progress in some way. Your loss, you will remember this. My gain, another freedom to enjoy and a solitude no longer fought against. A loss on my part, but one where pain is lost and sorrow and my continued suffering. I just know it! I will only get to see you once you completely hate me and once I no longer long for the tiniest glimpse of you.
Now gone and somehow lost, the drooling aches of longing to see your face, your smile, and hear the sound of your voice.
I found it. I think it really is discomfort on your side now. Perhaps harassment you could no longer take. The unwanted love and kindness of someone you no longer want. You’re tired. I am too… Of hoping, as your moody behavior one day gives me a glimpse of hope and validation only to be taken away.
The dream I had a few nights ago, where I was desperate to avoid you, now makes sense. But, I never got to see the one where we walked hand in hand again come true. Perhaps for the best. To avoid being further damaged by losing the realization of a hoped dream. One day I will look back on this and not bat an eyelash.
Today, you remind me of Brandon. A similar situation, I was trying to like him and give him a chance. But, then he messed up and committed one act that pissed me off so infinitely that I immediately let him go. That’s you today Linus. One act that sent me immediately recoiling and feeling slightly ashamed. You’ve shamed me further reinforcing my reproach. One that was sworn to be removed from me just as you have been. If I swear to never see you again I can be free to travel again, as long as I keep my end of the bargain then Neimus will not kill you.
A new day. A long day like this will pass and a new day will emerge where I am not afraid to run into you for the scorn of my reproach nor be overwhelmed by love that is now of no value to anyone except to myself. A new day when I can forget ever feeling this way and then we will be even. You will be happy and rid of me and I will have shed this disturbing need to love you regardless.
It is better to be alone than to love someone only to be despised for reasons that no one will give you about why things have wound up this way. Reasons that if given now are somehow worthless for the feeling of complete idiocy for ever noticing you, trying for you, or feeling anything at all. Embarrassed no. Ashamed to have longed to see your face now that you have scorned me reminding me of the shame I have been clinging to the hope of leaving behind.
Today is one I will have to forgive you for. But, not right this moment. Not when my name is Forsaken and you have called me by it. Not when the void of being loved in return is labeled Desolate and you have made it so.
Not when I know that I have grown and am an adult and not a childish love struck girl and yet I feel trapped in the same hole I was thrown in so many years ago by you and barely ascended out of now with what is left of my soul.
Today I appreciate being given the scripture in advance that God will hear me because I am broken and wounded and yet revere his word… even if it were to send me back to you. But, God is kind and would not do such a thing to me. He has promised to renounce my shame and he knows in my heart that I could never fully accept someone who has rejected, dejected, and made me feel this shame of being Forsaken and Desolate for the last century.
My hope is in God. Not in you, for which I pat myself on the back because I might have cried otherwise.
So I’m sorry. I let my temper get the best of me. It’s just that I have been searching for a direction to go in. One way or the other. And it seemed easier to let you go because holding on has been so hard. I have not the slightest inclination from you except what you normally exhibit and I am ready to give up. Why not? It’s not like it would make a difference right?
Holding on to you hasn’t changed anything so why should letting you go? I want to try doing this the easy way for once and maybe save myself some inner shame for not walking away in time to have avoided another heartbreak.
I have made my peace with being alone… Then, here you are again.
I hate that I love you this much.
(Photo courtesy of: ubersuper.com)
Music for this episode – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs by Fall Out Boy