Episode 4 – Part 4: My ‘Other’ Wife


A week went by in England. I wanted so badly to pretend that my new wife and I were enjoying life as tenant farmers like in the 1600’s. That was a nice era. There was so much that was clear and uncomplicated. Either you had money and political problems or you were broke, happy with the woman you loved, slightly starving and worried about freezing in the winter. But, we are undead so half of that wouldn’t apply. If Lois wasn’t happy as a farmer we could drink someone wealthy, take their money, and have political problems.

We could make a game out of it. Whoever got found out as a vampire first lost a point. We’d have to play it like a suave game of chess, drinking the pawns and knights right off the chessboard until checkmate and pay up came around. I enjoyed that with my ninth wife Victoria. She was a vampire and we started off with nothing but the shirts on our backs and wound up in the King’s Class of nobility inside of six months.

Unfortunately, she was quite found of the entire knighthood and once she started a war with a neighboring country, drank half of both sides, and got bored she told me she’d had us officially divorced in hopes of her next adventure. Finding Paul and seducing him.

Something about running off with my best friend sounded appealing to her for some odd reason. When she found Paul he threatened to bind, gag, and leave her on the doorsteps of a church. She never spoke to him again.

Of course, I’m sure he failed to mention that he was a monk at said church. But whatever. That was my last vampire wife before Pilath. I think that was a fun 129 years and I will always remember Victoria fondly. She’s been married five times since then. Once to Primus just for fun.

You wouldn’t think that an ex-angel would indulge in such things, but in a way he gives Hugh Hefner a run for his money. Once Primus fell in love with an off world angel assigned to Jupiter he made his whole life about getting her reassigned to Earth. A task much easier said than done considering he went rogue and she is currently trapped on one of Jupiter’s moons as I understand it.

I heard she was a knockout. Who could compete with that? Victoria was instantly divorced and was so embarrassed that she left the California Sanctum vowing to seduce Aiden, aka Dracula, next. Everyone knows he’s easy. How many wives has he had so far anyway?

Lois liked to sneak out and practice the speed and stealth training late at night. We’d sneak into different neighboring towns and entrance random people so she could understand how to control it.

“I have no intention of using people like that.” she told me.

“What good does your intentions do if you accidentally entrance someone and don’t know how to turn it off?” I countered her.

“Fine.” she said defeated and had the entire nightlife downtown doing some ‘70’s dance called the Hustle. No one remembered a thing.

She’s something of a prankster I think.

The rain finally cleared and once we piled into my little one engine plane I could tell there was a change in Lois. A change that could not be undone. Something that happens to everyone who winds up undead.

You suddenly realize you are pretty much invincible, you want to return to being human so you don’t go to Hell, but you need to stay invincible to protect someone you love. She was torn.

I wanted to talk to her about it and give her my shoulder to cry on. But, she’s not that kind of girl. She grins and bears whatever she has to. It is Lorena who would have cried and wanted a hug. Lois is tougher in so many ways… yet I find that I’m longing for Lorena’s soft spoken sweetness.

If I was on the run with Lorena and we were looking for Lois, I’d be out here with a girl who’s my best friend, loves me to pieces, and would have been happy playing house for the last week. I miss being loved and cherished by her. Lorena was good and making someone feel like they were the most important person on the planet. And now she’s out there with Paul.

If he ever gets through to her after what I did, he will be the happiest husband who ever lived. He will want for nothing. And I feel stupid because in hindsight… I had that. I could have stayed with her. She called me on it and told me that I had a choice and that I was voluntarily leaving her.

I told Lorena that I was a coward who didn’t want her and left her to marry Pilath knowing that my wife would never love me like she loved her real husband Caleb. I should have just stayed. I mean everything I was afraid of has happened anyway. I lost my chance with Pilath, I’m on the run, I have a kill over hanging over my head, and I’m still looking for my best friend and brother Paul.

How did Lorena know that my life would have been better if I had stayed with her? How did Belle know, or Grace? How did I have the love of so many good and wonderful women and just toss it aside like I was slinging dog poop out of my way? And on my way to what? Greatness? Happiness? If I’m such a big shot why am I alone and pathetically clinging to the hope that someone who hates me will magically fall in love with me one day?

Payback is a bitch. This is exactly what Grace was talking about in her diary. Belle too. They wanted to love someone who they felt hated them and loved me enough to hang in there through my emotional abuse towards them.

They didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. But me… I totally deserve to suffer like this.

I flew us from England to a little port off of Crete. Better to be in enemy territory than in vampire territory. This place is run by the immortals. The alive ones who are supposed to be able to convince us vampires to return to human. Unfortunately, that was a bad conversation starter and we’ve been at war for the entire time Primus has been on the earth.

But, this place smells like chocolate heaven. We’d better be on our guard. My contact in Rome had to go into seclusion after the debacle at The Vatican. We have absolutely no access to the archives so I won’t be able to sneak a peek at the records leading to humanness myself. We arranged to meet at a hotel in Castel Porziano.

Unfortunately, my contact is Victoria and she is the last person Paul elected to tell where he was should I come looking for him. She may very well send me on a wild goose chase. But, that could just be my own paranoia. I treated Victoria like a queen. She may even want me back. I just hope that she doesn’t pitch a fit that I came with Lois.

I failed to mention that I wasn’t coming alone when I called her from Vegas.

(Photo courtesy of: pinterest.com)

Music for this episode – Golden Years by David Bowie