Episode One – Grace
(A letter to Elle from Grace.)
I basically wrote what I would have wanted him to say. Not really, but a kinder version of what he said versus what I heard. I tried to put myself in his shoes and this is the best I came up with.
So me (Grace) telling Troy good bye after he figured out that I was not going to be of any use to him for Primus’ mission. I don’t think he knew how much I loved him.
I wasn’t just testing you out so I would know for sure that I would never want you. I know you can’t help but feel that way, but that’s not what happened. I wanted you. I wanted to feel that way about you so badly and I looked at you thinking, okay I am kissing you and wanting so badly to have the feelings behind it and they are just not there. I felt so afraid of breaking your heart. I wanted to try longer and harder but I don’t think it’s fair to you for the person you are with to have to force loving you on themselves. It should be as easy as breathing. I chose this for us and now I see that I should have done something different to show us that we can’t be together like this. I am so sorry Troy. I never meant to give you hope and make you feel like you finally got to be with the person you wanted only to take that away from you in less than 3 days.
Unlike me, you waited. I dated anyone and everyone and none of them were worth anything and I am not giving you a real chance by your standards. I get that. I gave total rats more of a chance than you feel you got. I told the most hurtful one that I would still date him and still wanted him even though he left me to get back with his ex-wife. And I didn’t give you hardly anything to work with. You waited for me and then you waited for me to come around. You probably thought that I was the one you had waited for and I left you and made you feel doomed because what if the right person that God had you wait for just told you that not only did they not want to be with you but that it would take an act of God for them to want to be with you like that.
Every time you see me the words “Act of God” are going to be branded onto my forehead. I get that. I know. I should be doomed. If that is how I treated the right person for me then don’t I deserve to be alone and not having lunch with someone I flirt with everyday? I know that no one will be able to live up to you and that anyone I pick will be me settling for what my lust says is good enough to give a chance to. I know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and that means nothing to you when you say to yourself that she just told the best thing that ever happened to her that it would take an act of God and then turned her attention to someone she only sort of likes and doesn’t mean that much to her. He meant enough to me to hurt you over him didn’t he? Enough for while you were still reeling from being pushed away and having to equate me to the worst person in the world that I was declaring affection for him. Enough for me to shove his name down your throat every time you finally got back to feeling ok.
It is an act of God that you haven’t left me. And even if I hurt someone else and came back to you I fear I may have hurt you so badly that you not only could not give me another chance, but anyone else right now. I don’t know how if you did accept me if you could ever get past that. I don’t think you will ever be able to fully let that one go and I understand.
I don’t want to say that we can be friends as long as we are single or able to before the person we would rather be with makes us choose, but more like for as long as you can stand to put up with my selfish bull that tends to be completely inconsiderate of the fact that you have feelings for me and therefore wind up having to suck it up for my sake. You deserve better than this Troy. I am so sorry.
After months of being “friends.”
At least, that is what I would have said if the situation was reversed and it was me who left. Soooo not what he said though.
(Photo Courtesy of: my.opera.com)