Dear Like a High School Crush,
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
I think we got our signals crossed and that you don’t truly understand me or where I am coming from. Granted this is probably more my fault than yours, at least from your perspective.
It is not easy for me to come out of my shell. I may socialize and talk to people, but you are not some random person I talked to about what I had for lunch one day. I wanted to reach out further. But, I have been through a few things that make it nearly impossible to just be there like you can. You have a gift really.
In a very short amount of time, you made me feel special. Like finally, someone noticed me for me and not just how important my work is every day. You saw past the title and the general respect that a position like mine commands and saw me, not my job. That meant a lot to me.
I know that I have disappointed you. You really tried. I could see that. You did not give up easily and I guess that made me dig my heels in so that you would want to give up. What if I am not as great as you think I am? What if in the end I’m just too busy with my job to give you the attention you deserve? What if I let you get closer to me and I fell for you? None of which matters because if I really did like you I would have tried.
I think what it came down to was that even though I do think you’re a wonderful person that I like, I don’t like you enough to go past the sweet and playful banter because in the end it was your attention and fawning over me that I wanted. Not necessarily you. Not because of anything you did or didn’t do. Not because you’re not good looking or sweet or good enough.
I just don’t have the heart and excitement for you that I know that I should for things to work. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I want you to feel like less of a person because I didn’t respond. I know you gave me your number. I kind of wish I had called just because it was never my intention to hurt you. You really went out on a limb for me and I just wish you felt like I had given you something more than just the disappointment you are feeling right now.
You didn’t let disappointment stop you from caring. That’s more than a lot of people can say. But, in a sense I feel as though I have to avoid you now. I did fail to meet you half way and now you are a reminder of something and someone I let down. I get angry for feeling a failure because I could not reach out further than I did and it hurt you. No one wants to see someone they hurt face to face all the time knowing that even if I could undo it, I am not willing to put forth the effort to do what would surely need to be done to truly make this right for you.
I realize that doesn’t mean a relationship or anything. I mean, you might not even have me at this point. But, I think if I told you that your affection wasn’t wasted, that you matter to me and that knowing you cared meant something. If I told you that I was going through something or met someone it wouldn’t matter because all I really should have to say is that I don’t feel wrong for not responding to you.
I do feel badly that, like you said, I expressed interest first and when you responded lovingly I seemed like I turned on you. Like a typical response from someone just seeing who they could get just to reject them afterwards.
It was not my intention to make you feel toyed with. I think that is the apology you’re truly looking for. I am sorry for making you feel like I was just messing with you for fun when you genuinely cared for me.
-Your Last Crush
P.S. Do I really have to be known as Epic Failure??