Dear Darling Indifferent,
(So you didn’t say it had to be an improvement from Epic Failure, just different.)
I got your letter. I was a lot of things in response to that. Maybe what you will take away is how multi faceted a person’s array of emotions can be. I thought about you, in general awe. You were honest and in spite of how horrible the truth was, you were brave enough to just say it. That is something. I respect that.
What I also got out of it was that even though you didn’t mean for me to feel the way that I do, you outright admitted that you were guilty of the very thing you didn’t mean to do. You did toy with me. Then you want to say that you’re sorry I felt toyed with. That’s asenine. What else was I supposed to feel? Do you think you’re so alluring or that I’m so completely daft and taken with you that I would not notice the blatant thing happening to me? Perhaps you hoped that I would not notice.
Maybe you were so excited to have someone excited about who you are that you just hoped that I would be happy reviling in my own emotions and not notice that I was the only one excited about anything. Me caring for you should not be all that either of us have to fall back on. You fall into a fluffy pillow of someone who is crazy about you and I fall where? On the hard conncrete fact that I am the only one who is expressing any kind of affection.
You wanted that to keep going. Perhaps to feed your ego. I don’t know. Maybe you haven’t been raved about to that extent for a while. But, in either case, if I genuinely care for you then how long would it be expected that seeing you in passing with nothing real behind it would be enough to keep me fixated on how great you are?
I still think you are amazing, don’t get me wrong. But, a person can’t stay in love when they are getting nothing in return. Based on your letter, I feel like you got mad at me for realizing that I wasn’t getting anything in return from you and then you turned on me feeling robbed of your greatest cheerleader.
So, again, I’m still the bad guy. You own up to being indifferent, but still feel like since I care about you I should either toughen up and continue to gush over you and live up to caring for you or not care at all, tuck my tail and run away because I have hurt feelings.
I know you didn’t promise anything and that no one forced me to care about you. But, at the same time… maybe I placed you on too high of a pedestal. I just expected better from you somehow and now am more downtrodden. Getting over hurt and disappointment from a high school crush is one thing. So is seeing someone fall off of their pedestal. But, what bothers me the most is thinking that you feel like I somehow owe you the courtesy of continuing to be crazy about you without complaint when you have already admitted your indifference towards me. Like you are the only person who matters and should be treated like your feelings are worth something.
And what can you say to that except that you’re sorry I feel that way. Well, I’m sorry that when you are there and then suddenly gone in passing I still feel my stomach drop in the disappointment of not being able to see you for more than a second. And then I feel stupid for still caring.
-Like a High School Crush