Vampires with disastrous private lives…
(A letter to Elle from Troy.)
I don’t know what I can say to make things right for Grace. Granted, I did actually tell her that it would take a literal act of God to make me want to be with her. I just meant, like a dream or something where I would wake up completely enraptured with her. No such luck.
It’s not like I meant to hurt her feelings. I was just being honest. She gets angry with me when I tell her that. When I say that I’m used to her and just being honest and speaking my mind to her. She tells me that I’m inconsiderate and don’t think before I speak and make her feel like less of a person when I so called, mindlessly, tell her how I feel. I guess she may have a small point. I suppose I would think of how the person standing across from me would react if I said some of the things to them that I have said to her. And too it’s not like I’d want to admit to some of the things I have told her. I mean who would? She’s my best friend, it’s in confidence, and no one would understand us anyway.
But, she insists that it’s only because it’s her and not someone else that I have a complete lack of regard and that I value other people more than her because I am more considerate of their feelings. That is not true. The more inconsiderate I am, the more I intrinsically trust you. And if you’re asking for my honest opinion don’t expect me to be thinking about you and your feelings when I say what’s on my mind.
It’s not that I don’t care, but at the same time I care enough to be honest and that will have to supersede your bloody girlish feelings. Get over it already. I said I was sorry for not exploring how that might be construed as hurtful. I was making a joke really, but it backfired… severely.
Anyway, I will have to just put her down as another woman who never understood me. I have been married to 85 human women knowing that unless I am married to another vampire… In my world the marriage doesn’t count.
I just had to leave Annibelle and that is the closest to being heartbroken I think I have ever been. I hung out with Grace to pass the time, knowing that she would fix me with her love. Now she feels used and like I just abandoned her because I want what I want and she doesn’t matter. In a lot of ways she doesn’t matter, her or her feelings. Granted, falling asleep in her arms for months and then telling her I just didn’t have anything better to do and I thought she knew I was just spending time with her to recuperate from Belle was probably not tactful at all. But again. Honesty.
I was going to flatline Belle and keep her. Then this mission to seduce Lorena came up and I had to sit there and literally make Belle cry while telling her the most horrible thing I could think of. Which coincidentally are some of the things I have said to my best friend. Grace is, well… gracious. She lives up to her name. It was only after I said the same things Grace fussed at me about, repeating them word for word to Annibelle that I saw the pain Grace referred to. Pain she never once let flicker across her face. Pain that I knew I’d have to answer for one day. And even though Grace is my best friend and Belle is the first person I’ve truly loved in a while I truly wondered if I was still as right as I thought I was for hurting both of them so deeply. My only recourse is that as a vampire, one day Belle will be dead and I will be absolved of having to face her. Grace… not so much. Unless Primus has her killed for some odd reason.
I don’t think it was that bad telling Annibelle it was over… and it was mostly true. I mean I never actually wanted her. I wanted the kind of love she provided. I liked the lifestyle she gave me where I could come home, get a massage, and hold the attention of a beautiful woman I could snuggle up to every night.
Come on! It’s been 20 years since the last time I’ve been married. I just got used to killing people again for food without thinking about the family they’d be leaving behind and I got comfortable. I started thinking that even though she and I could be roommates forever we could give this thing a solid try. So we got married… 6 months ago… and now I have to leave her and go back to work.
Primus picked a fine time to re-assign me. Why couldn’t he have Caleb do it? He already has everything a vampire could ever want in a woman and he needs the variety since he’s always home with her. But, whatever, I’m more normal looking.
I looked at Belle with a sly smile and said what I really felt at the time. Something Lorenzo told me he’d routinely use on women who had fallen for him.
I said “The only reason we got so close and spent all of that time together was because… Well, it’s like we didn’t have anything better to do.” I wondered if she would have the same reaction that Grace did. She did not.
Belle slapped the sh^% out of me. She’s human and I really didn’t think she could hit that hard. I mean I actually felt that. She told me that she felt like she had wasted her time. Like if being close to me meant nothing more than not having someone better to do then what was the point of all of the time we spent together. Belle said I made her feel like a placeholder until something better came along and like she was inconsequential.
What could I say? I hadn’t thought about it that way. After Grace’s moaning and groaning I probably should have though.
She went on to say that I was untrustworthy because in the same breath, here I was telling her that she was the best thing to ever happen to me… but only because I didn’t have anything better to do… and now I’m leaving her to chase after a woman I can’t honestly say I more than like a little bit… because she smells like chocolate and I secretly want revenge on Paul for stealing Aria away from me. (Aria turned out to taste horrible due to partially being a Nephilim but still.) No other woman smelled as delicious as her – until now.
Belle asked if I would miss her. I was hurting, but I answered honestly. I told her that I liked that we would be distant now and would not want to be close to her ever again. I told her that I would never want to more than hug her and that I did not want to go back. I said that since I have a life now and all sorts of things going on, I could go a month without seeing her and not even realize she wasn’t around.
I think she was shocked. Annibelle had the same look in her eyes as the people I had killed. Yet, she seemed torn, like she couldn’t figure out if she was dying or was going to kill me for hurting her like this. She was very still as she seemed to try and decide which way it would go.
I walked out of the room while she sorted it out staring into space. When I looked back at her I saw one lonely tear dripping down the side of her cheek. I knew she did not know she had shed that tear because she would never cry in front of me and give me the satisfaction of winning.
But, I wanted to hug her and take it back more than anything. I probably would have if I didn’t know for sure that she would be killed immediately if I did not obey Primus’ orders.
I hope Paul knows what he is doing or Lorena will just be another notch on my belt… but probably a dead someone I used to know if Primus has his way about it.