Episode 4 – Part 1: Remorse
(A letter to Elle from Troy.)
I feel underrepresented. I was really good to these women… up until I had to break up with them. They have said absolutely nothing about how loving and kind I was before I had to leave and only remember the bad parts.
For example, I spent six hours cooking for Grace’s birthday and made homemade, hand rolled, amazing beyond amazing chicken enchiladas AND a seven layer chocolate cake with a fudge crust and dingdong glaze on the outside. All Grace remembers about me is that I told her it would take an act of God for me to be attracted to her. She has been my best friend in Paul’s absence and I really hate that I hurt her after all that she’s done for me. Grace I’m sorry I let you down.
I spent every available second I had with Annibelle and just concentrated on trying to be happy with her. I wasn’t falling in love with her and I didn’t know what I really wanted in life because Primus kept saying the time was close or upon us or something and the bitten immortal would rise. Primus is crazy. He’s been in hell so I just sort of go with it. But, I had this ominous feeling like I was never going to get my happy ending. I did not mean to hurt Belle like that. After seeing the look in her eyes I knew she felt like nothing she ever was or had tried to be for me mattered and that I didn’t value her love. I get that. It’s not true and I do value her love. She is the only reason I didn’t feel all alone in the world and like I had a shot at being the kind of person I always wanted to be.
And for the record Belle, I do. I do miss you. I miss us and wish that I could fall asleep in your arms one last time just so I could feel normal and like I can finally breathe again. I’m sorry.
Mandy (sigh). I liked her. She had spirit. I was trying to run away with her and I didn’t care if she hated me forever for turning her into a vampire at least she would still be here. But, Caleb caught me and killed her. The one thing I have always held onto about her was the reason she wrote to her mother. That hurt me in a way I have never truly recovered from because I understood what she meant so clearly. It wasn’t just a human thing, it was a memory of me being human.
Mandy wrote that letter to her mother because I had made her feel ashamed of loving me and she did not want to die thinking that her mother would not be proud of her. If I hadn’t made her feel ashamed then she might not have bothered writing anything and would just have yelled and cussed at me from the trunk the entire drive. But, that stuck with me over the years.
I wonder if all of the women I’ve left like that felt ashamed of loving me after I left them. My own mother thought I had just disappeared for forty years and I went to see her on her deathbed. I missed my mom. I missed the comfort of talking to her and feeling safe sitting next to her and then she was dying.
She was shocked when I walked in and hadn’t aged a day. She seemed scared but was so happy to see her boy that she just hugged me. She held my hand with one hand and cupped my cheek in the other and said, “Oh my boy. Where have you been? Never mind that now. You are here and I am happy to have been your mother. Wherever you are and whatever has become of my handsome son to where you are sitting before me now, even if it is a dream… I am proud of you. You have made your mother happy before going to the Lord, and I am complete now. My boy, I love you and I am proud to be your mom.” She sat and just looked at me while I tried to tell her what had happened to me. How I was turned into a vampire and the things I had done. I felt ashamed. I wanted her forgiveness and for her to still be proud after I had bared my soul before I lost her forever.
Mama smiled at me and pat my hand. “I always knew you were strong. God will forgive you if you ask. So ask and find your way to heaven so I can see you again. One day is not enough. But, son, for everything you are and will be, your mother is proud and I still love you more than all of the stars in the sky. Find your way son.”
Knowing that my mother is proud of me, even though I am what I am has given me the strength to make it this far. But, knowing that I made Mandy feel robbed of that before she died, and hence the letter… I wish just this once that I could have apologized. I want so badly to just say that I’m sorry for making her feel like her mother would be as ashamed as she was for loving me. And she’s gone.
Now I have this mission and… I have to find a way to tell Lorena the truth before she dies so that no matter what I have to say when I leave her she will not know such shame because of me.
Sometimes I wish I had Caleb’s job. Hunting Paul would be so much easier than hurting these girls right now. They don’t deserve it. And I think someone wrote “Blank White Page” thinking of me. But, I’m vain and I forget that human men are not doing any better than I am.
At least I leave most of my missions alive, I mean I am a vampire. Every last one of Caleb’s exploits are dead! Doesn’t that count for something? Most of them are alive to be heartbroken?
Anyway, I have to prepare for Lorena. Go follow Caleb for a while and see if my friend is still alive. Paul, if you are out there and you read this. I’m gonna punch you myself for leaving me behind to chase after a girl. You’re my best friend and you haven’t even called to let me know that you’re still alive brother. Selfish imp.