Episode 4: Pilath – Part 2a
(A letter to Elle from Pilath.)
I can’t tell you how mad it makes me to hear that thank you from Andrew. He told me that he learned a lot and as much as I felt a sense of validation and like finally I had done something that tangibly mattered, what he was telling me hurt like hell.
Andrew’s true message was simply, “Thank you for building me up.”
But, more than that. He was essentially saying that I made him the man his is today and he was grateful, because if it had not been for me making him the person he is today, then he would not know how to be happy with anyone. So happy that he was leaving me to be happy with her.
Ah yes, this was his way of saying I was the clean up woman from that song. Thank you for making me Mr. Right, putting me back together, building me up, and making me the person I always wanted to be so I could leave you, be with her, and then have to try not to tell you how great and happy my new life without you is. I just wanted you to know that she is everything that I ever dreamed of or asked God for and more. I could not be standing here happy with her if it weren’t for all of the love, time, attention, care, and endurance you put into me just so you could to get left behind. (I did not put all of that love and time into the man that I love for him to leave. I put it in because I needed him and loved him and wanted him to realize how amazing he was… for the record.)
I’m sorry to leave you. I am happy though, so losing you is totally worth it. I’m not missing anything by being with her instead of you, I’m just not with you is all. My life continued on unchanged. I realize I may have completely turned your world upside down, but since I don’t have to deal with the consequences of my actions and how my choices have effected you, I am content to act like nothing is wrong. Like your life and how much pain you are in doesn’t matter. And when I say matter, not like it doesn’t count. But, it doesn’t matter enough for me to change the circumstances. So, in that way… You don’t matter. Your love doesn’t matter. You know why? Because I have her and I don’t need you for the sake of not being alone anymore.
But, I’m still a good man and you should be singing my praises. You should be able to be gracious, suck it up, and still tell me how wonderful I am because unlike a bad person… I worry about you. I worry because I moved on and I’m happy. I want you to hurry up and fall in love with someone else so I don’t have to think about how I promised to take care of you and just left you standing there alone to figure it all out. I want to stop worrying about how you invited me into every facet of your life and how my absence is probably choking you.
I know how you feel Pilath. You feel the exact same way that I felt when you found me. I was heartbroken and lonely and devastated because a woman had done the same thing to me. But, don’t say this is the same thing. I did not do the same thing to you that she did to me. Nope. She doesn’t worry like I do. She said things to me that make me think that every moment I thought was real is now a lie. I didn’t lie. I didn’t say anything to make you feel like the whole time you spent with me was just so I could trade you in. I will tell you a thousand times that you matter and then abandon you. At least I made sure you knew you mattered to me, in my life at some remote point in the past, before I left. I want you to stop feeling this pain and loneliness so I can stop worrying about how I left you alone to dwindle in the pain of being left behind, is what it felt like he was saying. His heart was in the right place. But, his foot was in his mouth and he couldn’t help it.
You know Elle. Sometimes a relationship does not work out. It is a failure. But, I can deal with that. Say you are leaving and go. But, guys… don’t do this. Ladies, don’t do this. Don’t implant this kind of thing into someone’s head because you feel guilty for leaving and are trying to explain yourself.
Look at this mess. Can you truly think of one time that making the other person understand you did more good than harm? Not that communication isn’t a good thing, but sometimes… Less is better.