Epic Notes: Paranoia



Ok so, after the coffee date I was on cloud nine thinking that things were going to get better right. I mean, why trip all over yourself and make a big deal out of liking someone if you’re not serious and you’re not going to make anything of it. We all already know that liking someone from a distance is just as good as not liking them at all because you’re never in each other’s lives.

We all know that right?

Well, we still just say hello and smile. At first I thought he was still nervous or maybe that he even felt embarrassed for admitting how he felt about me. It’s like passing a half warm heart for you in the middle of the day. A set up for disappointment. An awkward look of recognition, a pause while thinking if you should even address me or just go back to what you are doing, the resolve to say hello for the sake of it, and then you’re gone.

Still feels like a punch in the gut somehow because even if you do like me we are still so far away from even having a real conversation where we can just enjoy each other’s company. I’m bummed. I admit that. There is no warmth where all of that liking me is supposed to come from.

I keep trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and maybe you just need time. But, somehow I think that the more time I give you the more things will turn out where it’s like… You tried by asking me out for coffee and told me we were going to spend all of this time together but we are still not clicking in person so we put off dating. Then I think you will basically wait for me to walk away so you can say you hung in there and it was my fault this time.

Maybe I’m just paranoid from a recurring sense of defeat and rejection. I get that. I think that too. But, I also think that if that’s where I’m coming from and you know that, then if you like me so much you’d consider that warmth would be a good thing. You look too much like a deer caught in the headlights to be happy to see me. There is no joy in my entering the room, your life, your space. Like you are willingly here with me because you would rather be with someone you like and know you are trying to make it right than to not try. But, at the same time it seems painful for you to try.

I don’t know what to do. I messed up and started caring again. Maybe I should never have told you how frustrated I was with you because now I feel like you’re trapped and it’s my fault. I never wanted to let you go but I would never want someone to stay with me when they don’t want to.

I feel like if I even hint at how I’m feeling that you will just be confused and standing there demanding me to tell you what the hell I want you to do because you’re already doing everything. You asked me out. We’re supposedly dating. Can I really ask for more than that? Is actual companionship with me so bad that you can’t stand to get closer to me than this?

Is it the fangs? I mean, I thought you knew about me. They grow out after feeding is all. But, I feed on grocery store platelets and I haven’t outright killed anybody in over a century. Do you really think I could stand to be around someone as mouth watering as you if I didn’t think I could control myself?

Ah, maybe that’s it. You are afraid you pissed off a vampire and you think that because I’m flustered as a woman that I will take it out on you in another way… one you are not likely to survive. But, I was told that you had been bitten over ten years ago.

Dating in our world should not be so totally foreign to you at this point. I mean, you’re gorgeous. How have you not been going out with human women let alone our kind?

And to make things worse, now that I’m some sort of gossip mill super star, the guy from ops has been checking me out. He’s so cute and I am downright embarrassed to talk to another guy right now. What must he think of me so far?

These are the things I’d like to tell Epic Failure Elle but I’m scared. I think I’m going to lose him no matter what and I’m not sure how I feel about it except a failure.

-Like a High School Crush

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