Epic Notes: I’m gonna be honest…

No fearHey,

There is so much I want to tell you. So much about who I am and how wonderful I think you are and… I just freeze. Like ‘Bam’ there she is. I want to tell you everything about everything and I just keep thinking that maybe my sudden interest will just piss you off. I mean, I never really gave you the time of day before except in passing and now I am so into you that I don’t know where to begin.

I see you walk into a room and I can’t figure out what to say first. Do I tell you how amazing you are and how grateful I am that you gave me a chance to redeem myself? Do I start off with how my day has been and how everything has a hopeful glow about it because you are in my world? Do I show affection? Is it okay to hug you in public? I want to tell you how I got turned into a flatliner and hear your story and go on adventures with you. There’s this place in Guam I have been aching to go to and would you be game? I want to spend time with you.

Then I realize that nothing has actually come out of my mouth, I freeze, and wind up just saying hi and feeling stupid because I feel like I missed another chance to grow closer to you. Things seem awkward. I know. I don’t want to mess this up though. So, I figure that I have to be brave right now. Not that I’m not accustomed to being brave, but stepping in the line of fire from a tank is somehow easier and more appealing than baring my soul. Any guy would say that, so it’s not you.

Ok, here goes. I like you and I want to skip all of the beginning steps of growing into a relationship and just be in a relationship with you. Skip the battle of the sexes and just hold your hand and kiss you when the notion strikes me.

I know I told you that I like your fiery personality and how passionate you are about things you care about. But, I don’t think I ever mentioned how I like the quiet moments too. Like watching you scrunch up your nose when your coffee is too hot , or the way you bite your lip when you’re nervous, or how you can be the quietest person in the room but your eyes are so vivid they do all of the talking for you.

I don’t want you to think that things just went back to the way they were before or that going out with you was just lip service so I could feel better about myself.

And don’t go out with Bryan from Ops. I know he has a thing for you. But, for the moment you are all mine and I just need you to give me enough time to make the most of it. I swear, if you are never able to go back to feeling what you used to for me and if you really think you will be happier with someone else, I won’t trap you. But, I won’t just give you up either.

So, if you’re willing to go along with skipping some steps and just being my girlfriend without having to ease into anything, can I make you dinner tonight or tomorrow… whenever this week you have time. Um, I have a houseboat and the lake may be kind of chilly, but since we’re vampires it won’t be so bad. We can sail the coast if you would rather.

Just let me know okay. You’re not allergic to shrimp or anything right? I noticed that even though I’m a flatliner, I’m not immune to everything. I thought stuff like poison oak wouldn’t affect me… so not true. I itched for a week.

Anyways. Don’t give up on me okay. I’m shy and although people tell me that I’m good looking I don’t feel like that entitles me to anything so I just, I’m shy and I don’t open up easily. You would think I’d have more practice by now. But, my friends tell me that part of my charm is that I haven’t become a player by dating a lot.

Honestly, I’ve had three relationships. Two human, one vampire, and then was a vampire and it’s taken a decade to get over how pissed off I have been for getting bitten. More angry with myself I guess because I trusted her with everything, she completely destroyed the future I had for myself without her and on top of that she destroyed the future I was supposed to have with her by leaving me. I mean, I was willing to give up my life as a human being for her and once I was undead she felt like most guys do once they get what they really want from someone. Bored.

She split and I have been trying to spend what time I can with my family before I have to give them up altogether because I stopped aging.

Just to know that there was someone out there that really does care for me… shocked me beyond belief. I thought I was past being able to be loved because of how everything turned out. It scared me. I pushed you away, not because I was oblivious, but because I knew you meant it and I got scared.

I’m immortal now and I have a long time to throw myself a pity party. It’s not like it is when you’re still alive and know you have to get up and try again before you’re too old to find someone to have kids with unless you’re fabulously wealthy and like rabbits. And I can’t go around turning women into vampires for the sake of being on the rebound. So, anyways…

I’m rambling. What do you think about dinner?

-Epic Failure (ok so… today I feel like I earned the title)


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