Episode 4: Pilath – Part 2b


Tell me you don’t feel the same way and that you don’t know why you let yourself fall in love with someone else but that you have to go. I can respect that. Don’t tell me that me loving you is what made you leaving me for someone else possible. Like that’s some sort of thank you and the mission is accomplished as though that was my goal. I’m not running a boarding house for whelps whose hearts need fixing so you can get back out there and hunt. Like the only reason you stayed was for the sake of not being alone but really you couldn’t wait to get away from me.

Thank you for giving me your heart and making me the man I am today, so that I could give you your heart back and leave you for her? (Really? That sounded good in your head and then even better when it came out in your eyes didn’t it?) Now that I have a life without you I am happy. I have that happy life because you are gone. You had to be sacrificed. The only reason I am happy now is because I left you. (Obviously I meant a great deal to you then didn’t I?) So thank you for getting me this far.

Again, just how it felt.

What do you say to that? At least he told me that all of the time we spent together was important and worth it and he missed me and it sucked that he could not spend more time with me. But the thing is… Do I want to spend any more time with someone who is only sitting there happy because they abandoned me?

I don’t hate her. I don’t hate him. I hate that he was never happy with me, not like that anyway.

I hate that even though I did all of the things he always wanted done in acts of love (cooking, poetry, flow maps of his fine qualities, spoiling him, showering him with compliments, dancing with him, doing meaningful things) for him that it was never good enough because he was always going to leave me and that this other girl will do the exact same stuff for him and it will mean the world, but only because it came from her and not me.

I hate that as much as I know I am a great and worthy catch, I feel like nothing would ever have been good enough except to be told how great I am but that Andrew wanted someone else. Yet selfishly he also wanted all of my time and attention in the meanwhile because I’m great. And then, thanks and bye once they find someone who is like me enough to treat him well, but the fact that it’s not me is all he needed in order to be in love and truly happy. If I’m so great, everything I did should be good enough and I don’t feel that way.

My only comfort is knowing that if there was anything I could have done to change things, then everything I did do would have changed something. So, it’s out of my hands.

This has happened to me more than once. I’d like someone that I love to stand by my side and it be like building my heart on a rock. A calm and steady rock who wants to be there with me instead of this perpetual race against time trying to hold hot sand as it slips through my fingers. Burning pain to hold on. Burning pain to let go. I want a cool rock this time. But, I don’t want someone who reminds me every day of the last man that I truly loved who also left me.

Which is why I have never let Troy in. He reminds me too much of Danieltee. It was over three centuries ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. He left and said he never wanted me for real. Just my company for a while. Just long enough to find someone he likes better. Just someone to make him not feel alone in the world until he found someone he actually wanted to stay with. I felt like I was practice. He took Genevieve everywhere he took me and made our places their new favorite haunts. And it hurt when he left me. So much. And I thought when he got over Gwen he’d see me as a person, not just as open arms to cry in until he felt better like a small child.

So, I married Caleb and now he’s leaving me to Troy if he can’t find and kill Paul. But, I get to watch the man that loves me so much (Troy) snuggle up to some other girl who’s whole purpose in life is to destroy everything we have ever worked for.

I hate my life right now. And if this Lorena has anything to say about it, it will be a very short and mortal life soon.

My biggest regret. I may never have been truly loved and was loved back and happy with anyone besides Caleb and I’ve only been with him for a decade.

You realize that’s nothing to a 400 year old vampire right?