First off, I would just like to say that New Year’s was awesome. I spent the entire night at a party showing off my new girlfriend Lillibeth and how well things are going between us. I don’t feel like such a failure of a man anymore because the more I get to know her the farther I find that I fall for her. She is such a feisty and fun person. She really keeps me on my toes and I wish that I could have had more time with her by not giving her the cold shoulder out of fear last year.
The party was a kick off for a countdown we have all been waiting for. The Reign of Blood is due to begin later this year. I always took that to mean that I could walk around freely as a vampire and not have to hide. Life would be so much easier if we were not worried about exposure all of the time. It’s our time to be open to the world and since very little can actually kill us for good we could have a shot at a normal life instead of living in the shadows.
That’s not quite the intention I get from Primus though. After his New Year’s speech he made it seem like we were supposed to exterminate the human race instead of feeding and living alongside them. That’s not my plan. I’d like to live a normal life and not worry about being forced to cheat on my wife when I finally do get married for the sake of mandate. See, mandate is in place until the Reign of Blood starts.
No one wants to say anything, but I think a lot of us will be breaking away from Primus when the time comes. There is so much about being alive that I, and several others, feel robbed of. I mean sure, being a vampire is fun at first. But, after you’re done amassing wealth and you’re sitting pretty in a great big house knowing your wife is out there with another man and you’re lying next to some other woman for the sake of not being killed by your boss… And there are no children, and there is no point to it all because you’ve done everything you ever wanted to do, and you can’t see your family because sooner or later everyone you ever genuinely cared about is dead…
Not so much fun anymore. There is a dark depression that sets in and makes us vulnerable to volunteering for experimentation just for the sake of a change of pace. Like willingly marching towards death to escape. I heard Primus’ girlfriend Europa was into that kind of thing too. Making people feel hopeless. I also heard she’s trapped on some moon out in space somewhere. Which is good because that’s all we need… another Primus.
Anyways, life gets boring. Like playing a video game with God mode on, you just go through the motions and go home. No real danger, no fear for your life or drive for survival. I could crawl under a rock, stay there for a thousand years, and just get up to find myself still the same.
I wonder what I would have looked like with gray hair, or if being stuck at this age will rob me of the wisdom of old age because once you stop aging you stop going through the phases of life that force you to learn and grow as a person.
All of the beautiful girls blur into once pretty face and nice set of legs. All of the money in the world buys another lifeless thing that I don’t need and have no real use for. There is nowhere on the planet that intrigues the mind or promotes a goal of “I want to do that or go there.”
We’re just here now. Stuck on earth. And for what? Falling in love with someone who was fleeting in the grand scheme of things in order to have more money and a bit of fun for a while?
You know what I miss the most? That feeling of racing against the clock. Exhilarating. Feeling like I have to get somewhere in life by a certain amount of time and the adventure of whether or not I will make it. Having all the time in the world makes that notion meaningless and as I watched the ball drop on tv and another ball drop filled with blot clot flavored candy in the Sanctum I all but startled Lilli by my sudden change in mood.
I forced a smile because I am happy that she is by my side. Finally, someone who makes me feel like there’s a reason to get up in the morning because every day will not be the same. But, I was somberly thinking about how I don’t have a New Year’s resolution like I used to.
I always had one. A great one. An adventure. Now every day is just a fear of when I will have to kiss my mother good bye for the last time before I am told I have to stay away or Primus will kill me and my family in order to keep the secret. I have no goals.
There is this place in Guam I want to go to but it’s dangerous. Like Paul, I too am curious about how to go back to being human without being exterminated right after I pull it off. There is a rumor. Tandee is in Peru and is a snitch, but there are a few remaining Nephilim in Guam who may know the secret.
I can only hope that Lillibeth will want to join me.
Happy New Year Elle.