He makes my heart flutter. I’m excited about him. I don’t get excited about anybody. I like people but I don’t get invested. Like this guy makes me physically warm. I feel flushed and like waves of wanting to reach out an pull him close to me rolls across my body when I’m around him. Do I do that to him? Does he even realize what effect he has on me?
I want to justify this but I feel so guilty for wanting him as I do.
I am consciously choosing the reckless choice. I feel better knowing I have been seeking God about it and the first scripture I was given was that I had not been given a spirit of fear. Which was good at the time because I wanted to chicken out for fear of feeling so strongly for him. Then this morning when I asked God to tell me something… anything… I got a scripture about how women of God do good works because they are women of God. I thought, well maybe that means that I’m not bad enough to need to feel guilty. I mean he is my one downfall so far. And even then… I haven’t done anything but want him so far. I haven’t touched him yet.
I almost wonder if God sent him now because no one else could get to me like this. Maybe he’s my special care package from Heaven. I mean, he seems to be thawing out somewhat. He’s started using pet names although I know that doesn’t really mean anything. So, I hypnotized him and used the information to fill out the same kind of questionnaire on dating websites to get a better sense of who he is.
He has no idea I did this to him so shh. He thought he was helping me get an eyelash out of my eye, while I completely got the answers I was curious about from Bryan.
He thinks love takes a while to grow (which is true) and so he’s more centered on having a physical connection in the meantime until that love grows, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s doing the typical guy thing and chasing me until he gets what he wants then bails. He even said he wasn’t looking for a one night stand and that he never said that just because he wasn’t outright looking for a relationship he wasn’t about to just walk away either.
I think I was so spazzed out I didn’t really understand him during the first conversation about where everything stood. He was worried he had offended me and I wanted to clear the air and tell him that I was okay with having a less pressured connection with him than looking for a husband. Which wasn’t untrue. I mean, I know that by this point in my life I should be looking for a husband. But, not diving into something deep like that is more appealing and less scary.
So, I confessed. I told him how crazy he made me feel and then he started with the pet names. Apparently (and this is from my questionnaire) God does play an important role in his life and thoughts, he is a gentleman and because his last relationship ended well enough to be friends but not well enough to not be scarred to a certain extent he’s just going slow for the sake of not making a mess.
We get along really well and we’re comfortable with each other which is hard to do with people in general. And like I said I prayed and asked God to bless my reckless choice. I feel it’s reckless because I’m not choosing the sensible guy.
But, I think I should go easier on myself because how exciting… I like someone. I’m talking to someone and I never give anyone the time of day. I’m excited about someone and he doesn’t make me feel like I need to hide who I am in that way for the sake of being ladylike or like he’s going to judge me. I don’t feel like if I tell him what I’m really thinking he will think less of me or that if I do what I really want to do with him he will make me feel ashamed afterwards. I’m just worried that I barely met him a week ago and I’m already so far ahead of myself that I’m the one who’s feeling like I’m being a slut for wanting so much so fast.
We talked for a long time last night and I only like him more. I’m not falling in love though strangely. I mean I probably could if I felt like falling was safe and I told him that I wasn’t falling and not to freak out. I just explained to him how intense this wanting him and desire for him is and how he makes me want to do things that have been in remission inside of me. And that it’s definitely him because I’m around guys all of the time.
He thinks he’s just a normal guy. Well, normal guys don’t make me hot and bothered like this so there’s something else going on.
But, there is something good that came out of this. I look around at other guys I kind of liked or even really liked and though I can clearly see what it was about them that I liked… they did not have this effect on me. There is such a clarity in seeing the difference between liking a person and it coming from a reasonable and superficial layer of my heart and this deep seeded desire and satisfaction with choosing the guy I feel I’m being reckless about.
I’m not saying that being reckless is my catharsis. What I’m bubbling over with as I settle into my decision is that I think I made the right decision because shouldn’t I be with someone who makes me feel like this rather than settle for someone who doesn’t for the sake of doing to mature thing and settling down?
I’m just saying.