Well… it hurts in a strange way. I by no means fell in love with the man, but I feel that sharp sting of disappointment. I was excited about someone and I had opened up to him in ways I haven’t for anyone in a long time. Then for no reason, no apparent one anyway, he was just gone. He’s not bound and gagged somewhere. It’s like a switch flipped and he went from being on for me to completely off with no explanation.
This is something I am used to, yet dared to hope anyway. All of the familiar doubts and insecurities are trying to find their way back in. But, I won’t let myself feel that flood of regret, remorse, or even embarrassment just yet. I feel like instead, I should first concentrate on the good that has come of this. The empowering feeling like “Yes, I am still desirable. Someone would want me for me and not as a placeholder while they looked for someone better. Someone would look forward to being with me, just me, the way I am, imperfections at all.”
Then the realization of the curse Primus placed on me sets in and that inexplicable silence that tells me everything I wanted to know kicks in. All the familiar reasons. Like maybe I would be loved if not for that curse. Which was set much like a fairytale where only someone whose heart is in the right place for me would be able to break through.
The problem being, Primus’ idea of the right place in a guy’s heart is first born of utter hatred, lust, and forced affection for me. Theoretically it should not be this difficult to find because that is how men are anyway. Being a vampire does not lift you out of being human, it only traps you in it and keeps you from moving and growing.
And now, another one bites the dust. The curse kicked in and Bryan no longer has any more affection or desire for me than the rocks sitting on the lawn across the street. None of my charms, my great curves, my feminine wiles, nothing. I might as well be trying to flirt with the dirt outside, and even that would be more productive if I was in California instead of here because the earthquakes would at least move the sand.
I feel forlorn. Not because Bryan is gone though. It’s actually a kind of relief and like I got out of something because having someone ignite such a fire as I have not felt in all these ages and to want him so badly so suddenly… that’s frightening. I don’t even know why or how he has had this effect on me.
But, I still retain a certain amount of clarity. I will be more judicious about who I pick later on to bestow even a little of my affection on, let alone a downpour, because if they don’t ignite this kind of fire in me then what’s the point?
And yet, I can still hold my head somewhat high because at least he decided he didn’t want me before I could feel truly stupid. At least I still haven’t slept with him.
And then there’s the sensible choice that’s left behind. Only he turned out to not be so sensible. Jacoby apparently has some sort of gambling problem as a result of his last divorce. He likes me, but… I seriously don’t feel like having to fix someone’s broken heart and then deal with an addiction on top of it.
I need a guy who is able to lift me up not be a burden. And so the search continues. Only, I have less hope than I did yesterday. Perhaps I should start a company about how to chase men away. Just be loving and wonderful and they will run screaming, guaranteed.
* * *
I got a call this morning that put a knot in my stomach that kept growing throughout the day. Lillibeth said she was going on a mission with Jared and she was excited. That’s great but what’s the mission? She couldn’t tell me. It was Type Hail Classified and she’d be beaten if she broke confidence.
Usually that happens when something has a high probability of going wrong. She’s in danger that even Jared doesn’t know about and the people sent into the field rarely know what they are getting themselves into until they get there. Extraction is on the radar in Fuji for 7:00 p.m. on the dot. Extraction from where? They’ve got to be somewhere in Asia if Fuji was called in. More than that, they are not glorified guards. They are like the 300 men who defended Sparta. This is no joke. Primus sent Lilli and Jared somewhere they’d need that kind of backup?
Is Primus trying to kill them? There’s no way that a high level case like that will result in either of them coming home untouched, or worse yet… in pieces. I called in a sick day and hopped on a plane to Australia to begin my not so work related inquiry. If something happened I want to be there.
Unfortunately, that means that this fun little game with Angeli will have ended. My little inquiries often lead me to the gates of Hell rather than back to the beautiful girl who is taken with me. It’s better this way, to just disappoint her now. There was no guarantee that I would have fallen in love with her anyway and too, I haven’t quite gotten over Lilli enough to really do much for Angeli that wouldn’t seem like I was using her at the end of the day.
I’d rather be labelled as cold and distant than a man who used a woman and then never grew to love her. At least I still have my good name. I just hope that I don’t run into Genevieve, my ex who’s now under the direct control of a dark spirit.
That won’t help things at all.