Episode 9 – Part 1: Revelation
(Troy seeks advice from Elle.)
“Elle… are you awake?” Troy asked as he stood remorsefully in my doorway.
“Yeah I guess. I’m just lying here feeling guilty over what happened to her. He thought she was me. That’s all I keep thinking.” I told him.
“I think more than anything else I’m the problem. She loses time and wakes up somewhere else after talking to me. We fight. She’s trying to accept that I’m here after hurting her and leaving her and I’m trying to make up for it because I know I trapped her in this life with me. But, I think that me being here at all makes things worse for her.” Troy said nearly in tears.
“You’re not planning on running away are you?” I asked as I sat up in my bed. Troy came and sat on the end of it facing me.
“I left her. That’s what hurt her in the first place. I don’t know what will happen if I leave again. I feel stuck Elle. I don’t know how to help her.” Troy continued woefully.
“What happened that night?” I asked curious.
“We fought. I took a lot because I knew I had hurt her. Basically every loving act I ever did got negated because of hurtful things I’ve said. She doesn’t believe that I was ever happy with her or accepted her because of one thing. It’s like no matter how many times I told her before I left how much she meant to me counted for anything because I told her we didn’t have anything better to do than be together at the time.” Troy explained.
“Yeah, why would you say that anyway?” I asked. “You had to know that no matter what you meant or felt that she was going to be destroyed over that one statement.”
“Well, I didn’t. I didn’t understand how she took that. She tries to explain and it’s not an explanation I’m looking for, it’s instructions on how to make up for it.” He continued.
“You spent how many months laying beside her, holding her, looking into her eyes, and telling her she meant something to you then that you were only there to pass the time. That’s pretty hard to make up for. She’s trying to explain how she feels so you know what you have to compensate for.” I told him.
“I don’t get it.” He answered befuddled.
“It’s like with Grace. You told her it would take a literal act of God for you to want her or be attracted to her.” I said trying to contain the anger rising in my voice.
“Yeah so? Well, I might have said that to Belle too. So, go ahead.” Troy answered interested in any glimpse of the female psyche.
“What did that mean to her?” I said, hinting at the significance of it all.
“That I wasn’t into her and nothing was likely to change that.” He answered innocently. He really didn’t have a clue did he?
“No.” I said annoyed.
“Then what?” he asked also annoyed at the insult to his intelligence.
“I swear…” I said sighing and shaking my head. “That’s not just rejection. That’s like saying, ‘Grace, you have loved me with your whole heart and soul, you have given me everything that you have, you have been the closest person in the world to me, you have been the one to make my life good, you are my best friend and confidant… but nothing and I mean nothing will ever make you worthy of being loved in return no matter what you do for anyone because you did everything you could for me and I still never did and never will want you unless God himself puts his foot down and makes me.’ That’s what that meant to her Troy.” I told him as clearly as I could. How could he not realize the gravity of why she was so hurt even now?
“She didn’t hear that I didn’t want her, she heard that if I didn’t want her then no one ever would because if the person telling her how great she was still didn’t want her after everything then she was doomed…? That’s not what I meant though! That’s not what I… so the letter…” Troy continued.
“That’s right. The letter meant she couldn’t understand how loving someone and being the best she could be wasn’t good enough then nothing ever would be, she had no understanding of who you were or what love meant or if anything she did mattered when in the end that’s the answer she got. And she had weeks to think about it.” I explained.
“Then what did Belle hear when I said that… what have I done to her?” Troy asked with tears building in his eyes.
“She heard something like, ‘Every insecurity and fear I’ve ever had just came true. Nothing I ever was to him was enough. He was always on his way out and no matter what I did or how well I took care of him and loved him, he always had this planned for me.’” I told him.
“This? What this?” he asked confused.
“What this? Are you stupid? How would you feel? She’s a woman, and a woman thinks ‘Every night you held me you were plotting and planning to break me. You looked in my eyes and smiled as I poured all of the love I had into you knowing that you were just going to break my heart. Every day that we loved and held each other was the last day, because you were ready to walk away… Every day you were ready to bail on me. So how much is all of this supposed to mean to me when you’re basically saying that I was disposable the entire time?” I scolded him. “That’s what THIS is.”
“She knows I love her, but that conflicts with me saying that no matter what she did she was disposable. That’s what’s keeping her sane.” Troy said as an unseen epiphany spread over him with hidden joy.
“Huh?” I said perplexed.
“Don’t you see Elle? The part of her that fights to stay Belle knows that I love her. Grenhelda only takes over when the hatred for being disposable overwhelms her. If I can just somehow prove that she’s not disposable to me and reinforce the love she knows I have for her then Grenhelda can be indefinitely repressed.” Troy said smiling.
“A tiny problem.” I pointed out. Troy looked at me bewildered at how his logic could have any flaws. “You can’t keep your foot out of your mouth to save your life.”
“Will you help me?” Troy asked whimpering as the truth of my words hit him like a ton of bricks.
“I can put duct tape over your mouth… But, that’s about it.” I said raising my eyebrows.
“Come on Elle. You can coach me and tell me more about how women think and how they interpret the things men say.” Troy continued pleadingly. “I can’t lose her because I say dumb things.”
“You already did.” Belle said as she walked past my room.
Troy looked at me wondering what to do.
“Don’t say anything. Let’s start there.” I said and shooed him out.
It’s not that he can’t think before he speaks… he just doesn’t.