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Episode 11: Part 3 – Scared and Guilty

S1 E11 P3 Scared and Guilty

Episode 11: Part 3 – Scared and Guilty

(Troy regrouping.)

 

Throw myself into the mission she says. This might be my last chance at real love she says. Sometimes I feel like Elle is my only hope at sanity and yet I know I’m going to lose no matter what I do. I took the most beautiful thing in my life and broke her. I ruined the most loving relationship I have ever had because I don’t know how to NOT hurt women and thoroughly destroy the fragile little hearts I’m being handed. And Elle thinks I’m going to do this and succeed?

Maybe she gives me too much credit. She doesn’t know this, but Grace wrote me before she died too. The letter she sent was the only reason I’d built up enough courage to go and see her before she died. Grace was the best friend I had ever had. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Paul has been my best friend for a long time, but I’ve never ever connected with another person on this earth like I did with Grace. And THIS is what I did to her… before she was killed no less. I’m freaking out. How am I supposed to NOT screw this up?

Listen to this:

“Dear Punk-ass,

I got your package.

I think you getting a girlfriend means I just got over 90% drop kicked out of my best friend’s life and am being given my stuff back in the hopes that we will stay in touch over the years. And that this is what you were so worried I would do to you if I met someone first. So, it’s a bit unfair that I promised not to do this to you but no matter what, this what was going to happen to me! And I really tried, I fought you every step of the way to avoid this. I feel as unwanted as I am loved by you. But, I have to suck it up and wish you all the best. So by all means thanks for my stuff and continue to make pastry with her.

Do you get how this comes off? I mean you don’t even call me anymore. What if it was me?

‘Dear BFF,

I’m dropping you for the sake of having a boyfriend. Don’t feel bad. Life’s too short. Here’s your stuff back. It’s been a great season. If we’re good pen pals we can say it was a lifetime not just a reason or season. Cheers.

You’re as unwanted as you are loved and every bit as disposable as you feel. But, don’t feel used and don’t compare me to your ex-boyfriends. Just because I did the same thing and made you feel the same way doesn’t mean that I’m like them. Be a good friend and pretend you are not a person with feelings so you can say this whole thing is okay and just cheer me on telling me how great I am the whole way through.

That way I can be happy and not feel guilty. Or like I did anything that could be construed as wrong doing to someone who is the only reason I will ever be able to say: This person would rather die than leave me or live without me even though they knew everything about who I really am and accepted me anyway.’

You do things that say: She’s better than you in every way and I don’t miss you. My friends don’t miss you. My pseudo family doesn’t miss you. My life is so much better without you in it. SOOOOOO much better. Thanks for getting me to the point where I could leave you because I was always going to. So what that you love me more than anyone in the world ever has and have put forth the most effort to make me feel special.

Then you have the NERVE to present a sad face to me. What right do you have to be sad? YOU are the one that left and told me you never wanted me anyway and just didn’t have anything better to do and that you wouldn’t miss me or want to be close to me again and wouldn’t notice that I was gone. YOU are the one who took the first person who invested into you when no one in your entire life has EVER treated you like you were worth a damn and threw them away for the sake of having girlfriend who’s not even legally marriable in our world and will probably be killed!

You feel safe. Like “Oh yeah. I replaced you and it’s viable so it will last and I will never ever need you again so it’s ok to hurt you and throw you away but I’ll keep you as a pen pal just in case and also so I don’t feel so guilty that THIS is what I did with the one person I claimed to be the best thing that ever happened to me and my one TRUE friend, and all of that good stuff. Yep, this is what I did with it.” And you expect me to just what? Be fine with being disposable?

That’s not love and appreciation for friendship and everything that I did to get you here just to abandon me and act like that’s okay. It’s not ok. It’s not.

And then I call you on it and you backpedal and of course I say ok, but I don’t believe you at all. You are and have always been ready to walk away. But, you’re always saying the exact opposite so I don’t know what to believe. I just know that if this is all I have to look forward to with you then I don’t want this. And you’ll never realize what you lost because even if you do break up with her then you will just be mourning her and thinking damn I shouldn’t have burnt that bridge with Grace. But, my girlfriend was worth it. As long as you don’t care, which is why you do stuff like this, then I will never have truly mattered to you. Just disposable and ready to throw away depending on your mood and how good your girl is. That’s how this feels. No matter how unfair it sounds to you. This is what you do to me.

SO, the least you could do is come see before I die. Primus put a kill order on me and I’m going to be put to death in about 3 weeks. I’ll be on lockdown in my suite on the second floor of the sanctum until then.

And for the record. I am not evil, and selfish, and mean like you say I am. If you would be half as considerate to me, your best friend, as you are to women that treat you like complete shit then maybe you wouldn’t SAY the things that I bitch about regularly. Ever think that maybe if you thought before you spoke I would not have anything to be mad about?

I so HATE it when Troy the guy shows up instead of Troy the friend! If anyone had said to you, even A FEW of the things you have said to me… I would still be gluing your heart back together and yet you act like it’s not your fault, I’m overreacting and even though I am not the one who abandoned you for some guy of the moment that caught my eye… I’M STILL THE BAD GUY?!?!? How does that even work?

YOUR decisions got us here and I’m the evil selfish one?????

I don’t even know why I want to see you right now. But, I’m going to die and YOU ARE STILL MY FRIEND SO YOU DON’T GET TO LET ME DIE ALONE!

GOT IT? I will be dead and in hell and I will NEVER forgive you if you don’t come and see me before I’m killed!

Your best friend, (Who was dumped, abandoned, and now is a mere pen pal)

Grace”

You see? Do you see how I made my best friend in the ENTIRE world feel?

I have no chance in hell at making this work with Lorena. She is going to see right through me, never forgive me and leave me for Paul. She may only be 19 but that’s even worse. She will never forget how I will have made her feel because she’s so young. If I mess this up, she will carry the pain I will have caused her for the rest of her life no matter what Paul does to make up for it. And he will hate me for destroying the love of his life and she will hate me for the inevitable.

It’s coming. No matter how good things are right now. It’s coming. Wait for it. I don’t know how to NOT hurt a woman that loves me.

But, because Elle thinks I can do it… I am going to have to try.

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This entry was posted on May 22, 2014 by and tagged , , , , , , , , , .
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