Epic Notes: Gossip


(A word from Bryan.)

“If you’re going to be an asshole for an extended amount of time then you should expect to hear about it for an extended amount of time.” are my soon to be ex-wife’s famous last words.

Unfortunately that “long time” she’s talking about is unending as we are both vampires. Would that I married a human. At least after a few decades the harpy would just die and that would be the end of it. But, no. Even trapped underground in the middle of Asia about to get beaten down by blood demons I still have to hear gossip about how I once asked over 30 women out on a date within a 30 day period.

Now granted, Primus dared me to do so. Like I would argue with him. He’s not the type to suggest anything. Even if he’s joking you should just assume that it’s a direct order.

So, I bat my eyelashes, flashed my dimples, and proceeded to ask every female in the building out over the course of 30 days. When I got to Clarissa she had heard how giddily happy about 8 other women who has accepted my invitation were and knew what I was up to.

“Does it mean anything?” Clarissa asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked stunned.

“Does your asking me out mean anything to you?” she pressed on.

“I’m asking you out to dinner, why wouldn’t that mean something?” I said innocently.

“You’ve asked every other woman in the building to dinner. Why would I think it meant something?” she snarkily said.

I just looked at her and tried not to let my smile flinch.

“You sure know how to make a girl feel like a notch on your belt.” She said sighing.

I was scared to move. She’s a diva. I should have asked the girl from the assistant pool instead.

“I tell you what. I give you permission to ask me out again when it means something.” She said and walked away.

Well that was the talk in the men’s sauna room all afternoon. I got told. But, I was also intrigued. So I approached her again and asked her to dinner on a boat.

“Does it mean anything?” she asked me again.

“It means that I’m trying.” I told her as pitifully as I could muster.

“It means you don’t want a stubborn woman to outdo you and you are determined to win is what it means. Therefore, this invitation doesn’t really mean anything. I give you my permission to try again.” She said dismissively.

“Why would I try again?” I snapped at her.

“Well that is a good point. What is it that you want? Maybe I don’t have want you’re after at all and this is just a waste of your time.” She suggested playfully.

Again I was intrigued. But, I was also pissed off so I gave her the worst reply possible. “Maybe what I want is someone who is satisfying in bed and doesn’t hover too much in real life.”

“Hmm…” Clarissa said stepping closer to me. “And how do you know for sure that I don’t have that?”

I just looked at her, secretly wanting to slap her but my mother raised me better than that.

“May I?” she said and leaned into me.

She hugged me, while baby kissing the underside of my jaw just enough to wet it, blew on the kisses, and nibbled my ear, all while running her finger nails across my upper back, down my obliques, and making tiny circles at the base of my spine.

I couldn’t move. I was absolutely frozen in place. That was amazing.

“Now, I know you will walk away utterly unsatisfied and slightly petrified in place, but at least you know that you won’t always have to stay unsatisfied right?” she said and walked away.

At this point I was calculating what exactly it was that I would have to do to get this woman. Then it dawned on me. She’s still pissed off that I’m dating the entire building. It’s a big building too.

So naturally I broke every date with every other girl and I elected to take the offense instead of the defense. I had a monologue and a plan. I broke up with the 4 who had the biggest mouths and would spread the word for me so I wouldn’t actually have to speak to 26 other women individually.

“I asked you out because I’m an arrogant pompous ass who was dared to do it. But, I know that if we do go out and at the end of it wind up kissing or more than kissing on your doorstep then you will just feel toyed with and that is not fair to you. I know you thought by my asking that this would mean something and you would be truly hurt when I don’t call on you or respond to your letters. So, rather than put you through all of that I am ending it now. I apologize.” I told my first 4 victims.

I went from the laughingstock of the building to the most despised, to the how did Clarissa wind up with him, gossip.

As you can probably guess Clarissa is my soon to be ex-wife, in another 20 years or so our divorce will be complete, and she never forgot how we met. In the end it was held against me as a character flaw and the foundation of why she was leaving me.

But, I hadn’t actually done anything to warrant a divorce. I’m not a ladies man like Troy is. I was faithful. I still don’t know why she left me. Then Genevieve found me drowning in misery and we got together through the majority of my divorce until she cheated on me enough times that I wanted out. Which was good because she was recently mauled by blood demons and is now possessed so she can keep working for Primus.

I did not know Clarissa would be here. She’s the sponsor for the Northern Hills in Mongolia. A French woman running the Mongolian Underworld. Interesting. Did she leave me to join the Blood Demon Mob?

So, after breakfast… delicious type A omelets with O negative latte’s and a spritz of cinnamon coated platelets, we barreled down to the Grand Hall where all of the “contestants” and their sponsors were announced.

And there I was onstage looking at Clarissa for the first time in over 40 years.

Awkward. Especially since I wanted to kiss her. I still miss her.

And her new champion will try to rip my head off for that since she promptly stuck her tongue down his throat once she saw the longing in my eyes.

Yet, that’s the edge I think I needed to get ready to fight. So bring it.


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