Rummaging through the past always makes me sad. It makes me yearn for the time I was still excited to find out how things would wind up, before they went downhill and now all I can do is sigh and wish I had never dared to try and be in love. I look back sometimes though, not specifically to hurt myself, although I’m pretty sure it will hurt. But, I look back because it has been so long since I felt excited about anything and even though I look at an email, a text, a note or something from when things were still good, I let my mind wander. It drifts and winds up circling the toilet which is where things wound up. But, I still look back because I want to remember that moment, small as it may be, when I was hopeful and excited and happy.
It’s terrible to think that I haven’t been truly happy for so long that all I can do is hunt through painful memories trying to find that needle in a haystack. A moment hidden somewhere under a mountain of old Kleenex and tears, a gem really. A moment when I remember being happy. That’s as close as I can get to knowing what happiness felt like. And that’s sad.
Really damn sad.
I mean what have I been doing all this time that I couldn’t have been happy somewhere in there? In all these years that have past by. It’s strange to think that something I sit on daily, a word, a conversation, anything involving you anyway, that sparks such anger and loathing and the overwhelming need to be a bitch just to hurt you and push you away. Because if you hurt and are pushed away you might not be able to hurt me anymore.
You might not remind me that I still love you. A fact that truly irritates me because knowing that I love you and that love can cover any wrong doing you have done scares me into thinking that maybe I will let my guard down and mess up and forgive you to the point where I let you back in just enough to hurt me and make me feel stupid.
That is what loving you has made me into. That’s sad.
I’m sad for myself, not self pity, but the realization that if I had just picked another guy I would not need to be this way. I wouldn’t have to hunt from moments that are long gone to try and remember what happiness feels like because all I have is this rage against you. Rage for making me feel like my love was poison. Not poisonous to you though. Loving you hurt me.
Am I Romeo or Juliet that I would kill myself for the sake of loving you? Twice anyway?
Where the hell have you been anyway? How can you say you love me so damn much when you didn’t bat an eye before you had another woman in your bed?
I mean, I know I’m the one who made the mess and cheated and cheated and didn’t feel like I was cheating on you because you were my rock and my home and no matter what I could always come home to you.
I guess it was wrong of me to expect so much. You can’t be perfect and although I finally accept that you’re not, I still feel empty without you and angry that I did this to us.
* * *
That’s what she said. That’s what I wanted to hear. Exactly what I wanted to hear. So I had a moment to myself with my soon to be ex-wife. I want to sabotage her as much as possible at this event because believe it or not, I have moved on. I no longer want a life with her.
A life where she would what? Get comfortable with me, fall back into her old ways, and cheat on me again? She’s had over 140 lovers while we were married. I made her confess to “clear the air” when really I just wanted to know.
Clarissa doesn’t know it yet, but what we have been having is break up sex. Once for every 50 years of marriage. That should be enough to get me through this mess because by the time she figures out that I have no intention of staying with her I need to have rescued my mom and be long gone.
After all, I still have the Siren to deal with and that damned medallion.
None of which I can explain to my brother here since we are literally surrounded by demons waiting to pounce. So, I did what any sane person would do. I emailed Jared and told him on his phone. They can only intercept so much, but Primus had sense enough to hire professionals to encrypt our lines.
I know Majun will understand why I went to Jared instead of him, especially when it concerns our family. But, I think Amelia has been a nice distraction for him.
The problem is that as well as I know my wife, I know that she knows me better. How in the world am I going to get over on her about not really wanting to rekindle? There are any number of monsters she would feed me to piece by piece because she is an all or nothing kind of person.
If she can’t have me then no one can, but half of the free world, and underworld, can have her. Such bullshit.
“Be careful.” Was all Jared could text me.
“I’ll have to be since I can’t train with Raphael and be over here on her side too.” I told him.
“Are you switching what team you’re fighting on?” he asked.
“Nope. Too late for that. Once you pass the showboat trials you’re locked into your sponsor. And since they decided to skip that part and try to kill us immediately I’m lock into your team. The thing is, I won’t see you guys until right before a match and since I’m lying in Clarissa’s den they won’t pit me against her fighters for at least 3 matches. Then to be sadistic they will probably throw me in the ring with her.” I explained.
“She’s not a sponsor?” Jared asked.
“Nope. She’s going to be Amelia’s first opponent… Tomorrow morning.” I told him and quickly put my phone away. The banquet arrived and I don’t want to look distracted.
I wasn’t worried about Amelia holding her own in the arena. I mean, he’s been in actual Hell before and she probably has more fight in her than most people. My new predicament will be to look sad every time my soon to be ex-wife gets hit.
Now that’ll be hard. And I know she will be watching me just to see if I really care. Maybe I can call out sick so to speak…
“Jared I have a problem…” I began texting.
“No shit. How are you going to look pitiful when you’re really cheering inside?” he replied.
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I looked around and no one was there. I figured Raphael was around and excused myself to the bathroom.
“So, you know you don’t have to do this to still win right?” Raphael began.
“If you say so.” I told him. He immediately disappeared.
I think I’m supposed to just walk out now. How well will this go over and did I just make everything worse?
“Bye.” I said as I casually strolled through the door.
She smiled at me. I’m totally confused now. Why would Clarissa smile at my leaving? I went back to the chambers shared by my teammates. Raphael was there alone.
“Where are the others?” I asked.
“Studying the opponent I will challenge in the Sponsor’s race. When I win, I will inherit the Districts in Haven.” He said calmly.
“Why do you think she wasn’t bothered by my leaving?” I asked the angel, pouting.
“Kill him the first chance you get.” Raphael repeated.
“That’s what she said after I left huh?” I asked wounded.
“I’ve had enough of playing wife. Get rid of him and tell the Dragon his mother is next.” Raphael continued.
“That’s pretty harsh.” I recoiled.
“She’s not who you think she is anymore. She’s been in Hell and has completely switched over to Cairo’s side. She has no interest in being in love again. She’s in love with power. I’m glad you listened and left.” Raphael continued.
“Yeah me too.” I said sulking.
That’s not what I expected, I mean I probably should have expected that. But, I wanted to leave her miserable and broken like I had been when she left me. Not sitting there plotting to kill me as I slept next to her later that night. She probably thought I was still some lovesick pitiful whelp she was giving mercy to.
Now that really pisses me off.