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SEASON 2 ON REPLAY: Episode 3 – Part 3: Blame

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SEASON 2 ON REPLAY: Episode 3 – Part 3: Blame

At some point in time, you have to take the blame. We fought viciously with each other out of fear and spite for a long time. I guess one of us was just trying to find a bright side and something to cling onto while the other saw that there was nothing left, and what was left over wasn’t enough to hold on to.

That’s what we fought over. That’s how it all went to hell. When I couldn’t say anything without her taking offense and then after enough time had passed I finally caught myself and saw what she meant. I talk to her one way and treat the rest of the world like they have feelings and are human beings.

It took being around other people to catch myself mid sentence. I’d start to say something like I would to Anna and stopped dead in my tracks because the person I was talking to wasn’t Anna and I knew that what I was saying would hurt that person. Then it finally clicked. This whole time I thought I was Mr. Wonderful… I had been mean.

I said hateful things. I had been hard on her. I thought I was just being honest and speaking my mind, but the things I was saying were every bit as cold hearted as she said they were. Who looks the person they love most in the world in the eyes and says things like, “I won’t miss you” thinking it will be alright? I wasn’t going to miss her. Not right away anyhow. Anytime we spoke we wound up fighting.

I wasn’t going to miss feeling uncomfortable and like she was about to attack me and like no matter what I did it was wrong and she was just so angry all of the time. It was like hugging a snake that expected you to still be there after biting you so many times.

I tried. I stuck around, I loved her even after she tore the whole world down around us and finally just left when I was reunited with someone that reminded me what it was like to feel safe again. Anna just about lost her mind. I couldn’t completely understand her side though.

It wasn’t my fault that Neimus reacted like he did and made it illegal for immortals to marry, or stay married. We didn’t care. He made us get a divorce, so what. Our love meant more than just a piece of paper. It was after that. She just snapped somehow. Anna was used to her husbands leaving her and I truly think that she got psyched out by her own fear until I just didn’t want to be there with her anymore.

And as bad as I felt about leaving her locked up in our house because of Neimus’ house arrest, I was just as relieved that I could go anywhere and she couldn’t leave and then suddenly show up causing a knot in my stomach.

I have spent a long time just trying to forget and let things go. Every time I talk to her she seemed to shut down and shut me out more and more until I felt that change. It was like she snapped again, but in such a way where she could treat me like normal.

Now granted, I told her that she was on house arrest and that I was not so I still wanted to travel. She said that was good because being stuck here would drive me crazy. I told her I wanted to make new friends and still be able to have a life that wasn’t just us holed up in that cabin all of the time. She was cool with that. Then I told her I’d leave for five years at a time on vacation… That’s what did it.

I realize now how insensitive that sounded. And why with my past she would have thought I had some other family on the side. I was hurt that she’d think of me like that and then apply that thinking to how I saw her.

I said five years because I thought she’d get sick of me and five years really only feels like a few months to us. I mean, missions can take five years to complete anyway. And I was only going to go every fifteen years or so on this little vacation of mine to go globetrotting and get it out of my system.

It probably didn’t help that I had planned on taking my best friend, who’s female, and an ex-girlfriend of mine. I didn’t want to go alone. The more I think about it… the more I saw her point.

I made her feel like she was never enough and that she was at the mercy of when I wanted to demote her from the closest person in the world to me to a mere pen pal at my convenience. So, that I could go on a world tour vacation with my best friend/ex-girlfriend no less. And leave her to rot in the home she couldn’t leave all alone while I go have fun.

What kind of husband just drops you like that? What kind of friend just abandons you to go with some girl to exotic and romantic places and leaves you behind? Yes, go have a life but that doesn’t mean I have to have a completely separate life from her. I didn’t have to do that to her.

We fought. I planned my trip while she bounced back and forth between trying to be excited and happy for me while I reassured her that nothing was going to happen with Erin, and being bitterly livid that I was really going to just walk away for five years like that.

She couldn’t take it. Anna told me that she loved me too much to just be a pen pal. She said that it would kill her everyday to be hanging on for a random letter here and there from the person she loved most in the world when she would feel my absence every second of everyday. Anna explained to me that my plans had made her feel like there was something wrong with her and like I was leaving her because she wasn’t enough so I was going on vacation with another woman.

I just wanted to get out for a while. I just wanted a nice vacation away with my best friend for a little while. Was five years really asking for too much?

Anna said that I hurt her too much to know that every day the very most that she meant to me would be a letter when I felt like making the time for it. She said she couldn’t do it and that if I left not to return. I was going to prove her wrong and go just to teach her a lesson.

Then what she feared happened and Erin and I had a very rekindled vacation that lasted for two years instead of five. I barely wrote to Anna. I barely treated her like I remembered that she existed. And after Erin and I had our two year stint… I knew I couldn’t go home.

If I hurt her like I thought I did, and I did… A long time and my near death would have to take place for her to get over how badly I had damaged her heart. She doesn’t forget anything you see. Every day that she spent waiting to hear from me and went to bed disappointed, every time she looked down the driveway for me to walk up to the door, every night she sat at the dinner table alone even though she had made enough for two just in case… How was I going to make that up to her?

After four years apart and only a random post card here and there which I’m sure irritated her more than made her happy to hear from me I packed up enough courage to call. She tried to talk to me like it was old times, before we started fighting. We had such a good talk that I just showed up on her doorstep.

But, she was awkward and closed up. I left disappointed that we were not on the road to going back to how we were. She apologized for ruining our reunion, but I knew she was just trying to enjoy being in the same room with me without wanting to choke me for what I had done to her.

I knew because in all of that time only one thing about our… her house, had changed. She had a wood carved sign up above the mantle in place of our wedding picture that read a broken hearted woman’s version of Psalms 27. She had it as a comfort, but I couldn’t help but feel punched in the gut. It said, “Though my husband forsake me, the Lord will take care of me.”

She probably had it up t here long enough to not notice that it was new to me. I had that same feeling I did when I left her the first time. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t want to put in the work that was needed to fix it.

That woman loves me with every fiber of her being, and I know that. But, I left her anyway. Twice.

And as much as I can tell that she wants to take me back, she doesn’t trust me. I don’t blame her. I could protest and say what a great man I am overall and that I just made a mistake. I know that if I hadn’t gone on that trip I would have resented her for it, even though I know now that should have just stayed at home because I miss her everyday and I can’t hold her anymore. But, in the end, these were my decisions.

I try to put myself in her shoes, and when I do that is what I hate the most. That one thing is what I would resent the very most if I was stuck there and she had done this to me. It’s a very simple truth, “My life got torn apart, my heart got broken, and I have to live alone and in this pain every day because of your decisions. I didn’t get a choice. I didn’t get any say in this. If I have to be this miserable, shouldn’t I have had a choice or at least have done something to deserve it?”

She fought with everything she had to keep me and I pushed her away. And she was pissed off about it. But, she’s still my best friend and makes every effort to still be there for me. I still need her. She hasn’t kissed another man in over fifty years and here I am making out with Genevieve just because she was there before I killed her. That bugs me because it parallels with what I did to Anna. Here I am loving you and then I kill you. Genevieve deserves it for ripping my guts out. But you? What did you do Anna?

You must feel like I punished you for loving me. That was your only crime. Loving me and fighting for me. And I left you. Willfully.

It’s been hours and the angels are still fighting off hoards of anti-venom bats.

I wonder if they know what kind of man they’re protecting.

photo courtesy of aliexpress

 

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This entry was posted on December 20, 2015 by and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , .
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