I hope that you are alive. I wish that I could see your face. I wish that you would call me. I wish that I could look into your soft brown eyes and feel like I’m at home again because I’m alone and scared and I did not know that you were the only reason I ever felt like I had a home anywhere in this world. I miss my best friend. The world crumbles around me and I’m basically running and waiting to die because I don’t have any faith in myself to survive this trip to the Smoky Mountains and I guess I secretly hope that you will find me.
I have these little daydreams where you see me from afar wherever I happen to be and rescue me and make me feel at home again and like I’m not alone and then I stop myself and have to evaluate why I feel that way about you. I put you in the friend zone. I mean, shouldn’t I feel that way about Jared because he’s the one I was in love with?
But no. It’s always you I go to in my head that makes me feel like I belong somewhere and like I won’t belong anywhere until I feel you sitting beside me sighing the same sigh of relief for being in the same room together. Maybe you’re my soul mate. Not my fated one true love but still my other half.
I feel sick in a way that I guess homesick covers to a certain extent but then again I don’t miss my home or my job or any part of my life before now except the parts where sitting and laughing on the couch with you or getting coffee or I don’t know, pick a thing that we did and I miss it.
I miss the dimples you get when you laugh and the way light glistens in your eyes when you think you’ve outsmarted me at chess and I know this sounds like a love letter and it’s not supposed to. I’ve officially gone mental and started imagining you here with me and have conversations with you that I know you will feel totally lost about when I inevitably confuse the conversations I made up with real ones.
But, it makes me feel better. Even if I just imagine you sitting across the room from me as I fall asleep. Envisioning you reading one of your books. Or when I pretend that you’re sitting on the bed channel surfing while I take a shower in the hotel room I’m in only to tell me that I look like a drowned rat when my hair is wet so we can laugh and I can tell you that you now have to sleep on the roof for being a jerk.
I can almost feel you gently hold my hand as I cry sometimes and then I feel like such a wimp. What happened to me? I used to be such a badass and now I feel like I’ve been reduced to a human teenage girl because I’m broken hearted about Jared never coming to see me and if a girl has to lose her boyfriend she should at least get to see and talk to her best friend you know?
Of course you know. Just knowing that you came to see me and stayed with me for a week makes me feel better. Like once you hear about me leaving and trying to vanish you would be the one person in the world who cared enough to try and find me. You will miss me, you do miss me. You didn’t forget me and you don’t make me feel devalued and angry even though you’re no where to be found right now.
For all I know you could be on the run too and be fighting for your life somewhere and here I am whining about missing the sound of your voice. Sometimes I wonder if I was in love with you and just didn’t know it because I was so determined to make Jared love me. Well, not even love me just not cast me aside like I was nothing. And I won. I did. I made him acknowledge me and that I am worthy of being loved by someone like him. So even if I have to say that I chose the wrong guy because he never showed up and acted like he cared I still feel like I won something somehow.
I know I can’t, well shouldn’t, beat myself up too badly though. I mean, after all, you are still technically married and it’s not like that was going to change anytime soon. Maybe I felt like being good friends with you was as close as I was ever going to get and although you asked me to chose you over Jared I know I chose him instead because I wanted a chance to be with someone I could actually have without the threat of having to let go because of a previous and still existing marriage. Not that I’m blaming you for my choices. I just feel like I never got to explain why I chose him to you and since me choosing him hurt you I didn’t want to rub it in by bringing it up when you were so cool about it and even befriended him too for my sake.
Gosh, I miss talking to you. Even writing to you makes me feel better and like you’re out there somewhere under the same sky that I am still breathing and thinking of me here and there.
If that’s all I ever get to have of you again I will still be happy knowing that you still care about me and think of me from time to time. Only because it’s you and it’s a nice thought to console me in the middle of the night when it dawns on me that I will never get to hear you laugh again or hear that little sigh you do when you are thinking too hard or about a million other things I noticed that only a stalker would ever point out to you.
I want this letter to go on and on only so I feel like I’m still talking to you and reaching for that little taste of home. But then I would miss my train so I will write you again later if I’m still alive okay.