I wanted to say that you were right. I’m sorry. No one has ever loved me more than you. I have never been as close to anyone as I was to you. I was wrong to leave you for any and every woman in the world because I took you for granted and I took how wonderful life was with you was for granted and I thought that if you loved me so well then I must be so great that I could get anyone to love me the way you did. I was wrong. I haven’t felt fulfilled in years and I know it’s my own fault. You haven’t written back unless it was for work and even then you were short and curt. I get it. I’m sure if the tables were turned that I would be that way too. I just figured that since you were not giving me an in to say this to your face, on the phone, or in any way that was personal that I could at least write you to let you know.
Please let me know that you got this message and I will leave you alone knowing that I finally said my piece and you heard it.
Elle read the letter that he’d sent me three years ago with growing anticipation for a new romance budding in her eyes. I stopped her immediately.
“The thing about being a vampire is that I’ve had a chance to live my life as every possible version of myself. This is the version I hate the most. The weak one. The one that let a man make me feel less than and had me so wrapped up in loving him that I allowed myself to be neglected and mistreated and have my love taken advantage of as a way of keeping me around while he was unhappy. That’s why I can never take him back Elle. For the sake of my pride as a woman, I can’t.” I explained.
“I hear you. I was worried that Ryan wouldn’t want me after being trapped in Hell while I was here grieving and trying to move on. But, time stood still for him in some ways and he was just grateful that we were together and alive.” Elle responded, taking a sip of her tea.
“I still tease him, and hint at affection because let’s face it, it’s there. I still love him and miss him, but I just can’t do it. I don’t want to be with him even though I love and miss him and everything that reminds me of him hurts even though its years ago.” I continued as I slurped my tea, burning my tongue.
“Does he know all of this?” Elle asked concerned.
“I don’t know how much got through to him. He was just happy that I was willing to speak to him again. He’s super excited to see you by the way.” I told her.
“Why? I’m married.” Elle stated flatly.
“Because he knows you’re my best friend in the world and he’s hoping to enlist your help in getting me back so he can feel comfortable again. I feel like he’s settling for me in an effort to settle down. I don’t want that. I want someone whose love is intense and pure. I’m the only one kind of pure. He can’t live without me kind of intense. And not as an entrancement. I have had that before. I want it again and it will never be with Faulker. He will never love me the way I need to be loved in order to get married again before the end of the world.” I said sighing, knowing that the world would possibly end well before meeting anyone worthwhile.
“Don’t give up.” Elle told me eyes brightening.
“Why? Do you know anyone?” I said half hearted. “Faulker actually left me because I wasn’t thinner and lighter skinned you know.”
“Old world stupidity.” Elle answered swatting her hand at an imaginary fly to bypass my concern. “I say that because if an angel will help me rescue my husband from Hell this late in the day. There is still hope Alyce.”
“Ok.” I told her as sincerely as I could. Truth be told, I’m afraid that she’s right. I’m afraid that Faulker is the one that will win me over and that he turned into the kind of guy that I always wanted.
And he’ll be here in two days.