I know you must be sorry. I understand your frustration and that you sincerely feel the way you describe. But, you do not know. You have not been on the receiving end of such heinous actions in many a century and have somehow forgotten how difficult it is to restrain the fury of hearing such words. You pretty much admit that I was the best you ever had… which is true. And that you should have appreciated me instead of running for the hills any chance you got… which is also true. But, the way this comes off is that you give up searching for someone who is prettier than me or better than me in some way and are finally at long last ready to settle for me, and that is unacceptable. I don’t want to be settled for and because of how badly you made your exit I will never let myself feel close to you again.
So my answer is no and it will remain no for all eternity. I am open to speaking to you again because you refuse to leave me alone. But, I will never take you back no matter how well things are going.
This is the letter I wrote to him in response but never sent. The letter I wanted to ball up and throw at his head as hard as I could. The letter I wanted to cut into him as deeply as a butcher knife and kill any hope you had so you would fall into the despair you’d sent me into in order to escape from me. I hated knowing you wanted to leave and now you can hate never getting to return.
I want to hurt you even still just so you understand what you put me through, even though it’s wrong. Even though I don’t really want you to be in pain. I want you to live happily ever after, far far away from me. I want to know in the back of my mind that you are out there and happy and not in my face, in my space, invading my life as I’m trying to just move on without you. But, you just won’t leave me alone. You keep popping up. It’s not fair. You opted out, so stay out already.
You’re intent on torturing me because I won’t let you have your way. Not to mention that you are currently possessed by a baddie. I don’t want that in my life.
That conversation ran over and over in my head as I watched Faulker drive up to my house knowing that I would never get to say any of these things because now it’s not about us. We have to save Paul at all costs if we are ever going to escape this life of damnation.
I want to fall in love one more time and live for real, as a human, as a vulnerable person who could die and go somewhere other than Hell. As someone who has been waiting centuries to have the freedom of living like others do and cherishing my time because for the first time in a long time it will be limited.
I don’t want my last days to be with Faulker and he’s at my house hoping my best friend will help him weasel his way back into my arms and it makes my blood boil.
“Good thing we aren’t immortals and hear each other’s thoughts. You look like you’re ready to pounce.” Elle said snickering at me.
“You know me all too well.” I told her as I feigned a smile and waved at his arriving car.