When he bites his mother… Undead Bride

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It’s not unusual for there to be some anxiety about living an unending life with your new spouse and not being able to bring your mother along. We have all been there. But, there is that little mandate declaring that we shall be put to death for sharing the secret of our existence. It’s not like the old days when the world was not connected and people who disappeared weren’t on every television screen in the country.

Biting a parent and turning them into a flatliner is a rude awakening for them, especially if they are very religious. Parents tend to feel condemned and the extreme need to reject this new way of life because it is not just expected but commanded that we drink. There is always a compulsion to follow the angel’s advice.

You know what I’m talking about. After you’re bitten and all of your organs stop working while you happily go about your day, the moment that your heart stops beating an angel appears to explain what just happened. This angel will tell you that you have a choice and just as God gave Lot the opportunity to save his city by finding 5 good men, God will give all flatliners their humanity back if 3 stop drinking blood. We are then given a large painted portrait of ourselves that begins to look more like a vampire as our bodies become more human by obstaning from blood.

Sounds good. But, most of us have been bitten for a purpose. We are being watched as all of our portraits are kept at the sanctum for observation to ensure that no one is trying to reverse their vampirism and condemn us all to human lives once again. Parents are too consumed with having lost their humanity to absorb the immortality they have just gained and many are ultimately executed for trying to expose our existence.

So, when he walks in saying that he has just bitten his mother, you must consider carefully what to do. You could always postpone your wedding a few decades to see how your new permanent mother in law will react. In fact, we urge you to do so. If his mother wants to bring doom upon herself and him for biting her then he knew that was a risk. It is not fair to have you executed by association, but that’s what will happen. Give her time to either adjust or get herself and your groom in trouble.

There are always other mates out there. And you do have time to wait.

-Staff reporter

Hogwarts propo



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