I want to know why this happened to me, my friend, my family, my mom. I want a real reason and someone to blame. I want to be able to have something to hold onto at three o’clock in the morning that I can really blame for this. Not having a reason is driving me crazy.
You are not alone.
Somethings don’t get the explanation that they deserve. Why are good people dead or dying when murderers and child abusers are still walking around breathing? Why is your loved one gone and I as a vampire cannot die? I will live to kill another day, I mean drink another day. But, someone that you love, cared for, knew, maybe didn’t even get to say good bye to is gone.
No person on this earth can give you that reason. I doesn’t mean that there is someone to blame overall. It doesn’t mean that it’s God’s fault, or the President, or the driver that wasn’t paying attention, or the drugs that were too much, or the medicine that wasn’t enough.
The real question is how. How?
How are you going to survive being a survivor? There may never be a reason you can write down and say “There. This is the reason why this person is not here anymore.” The much scarier notion is writing down, “I am still here for a reason and that reason is….”
Their life was not finished, but neither is yours. We must be able to answer other questions beyond why. I tell you as someone who is old, maybe not especially wise as I’m only about 300 years old, but wise enough to know a thing or two about loss.
For one thing, you cannot possibly honor the person that is gone until you decide to make your life worth having been the one that survived. You could have died too you know. Make something of yourself to show that you appreciate the chance that you have been given. A chance you might use to do something worthwhile that your lost loved one would appreciate you doing.
For another span of time you are going to mourn. It takes different amounts of time for different folks. They let you grieve, you let them grieve. You help each other through without self destructing as best you can.
There is nothing okay about your loved one not being here anymore. It doesn’t have to be okay, it doesn’t have to make sense. It is okay to scream at the top of your lungs. But, after that, you still won’t have an answer. So, let your final word be that their life mattered. It mattered because you love them, and that is enough for them to be worth their weight in gold.
Waves of despair will hit you, pour over you until you feel like you are drowning. Only as time passes will you realize that somewhere deep in there your instincts kicked in and out of self preservation you have begun to dog paddle. Sometime later smooth broad strokes will come in. When you finally feel like you can say that they are gone out loud and not lose your breathe or flat out choke… that’s when you can begin planning on what you’re going to be on your path to making the time you have left matter the most.
That’s all I’ve got for you kids.