Epic Notes: This is really gonna suck…

Dear Elle,

I gave it my best shot. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that she wouldn’t call while I was on vacation. The longer I was gone and did not hear from her the more I knew that she was getting closer to him. In a way I am happy for her. The same way that I would be happy for myself if I got to be with the girl I really liked. So, I am trying to remain objective and just let her know that I don’t have any hard feelings and that we are still cool as coworkers.

But, in truth it hurts. Maybe I should have made a move sooner. I just got out of a bad relationship and I didn’t want her to think I was on the rebound. Also, I had been in that relationship when I met her so I didn’t want to be labeled as a cheater. I always like her though. But, I was largely just holding on to a decaying love with my now ex-girlfriend.

Genevieve was a good girlfriend at first, but like so many relationships in our world, things were complicated. We didn’t talk about work much so the persona I knew was very different from the one everyone else knew. Her real self came shining through enough for me to see that this was not going to work out in the long run.

Genny was beautiful and sweet. She was charming and incredibly loving. What we had was a dream. About three months ago she went on some excursion for work and was attacked by blood demons. They left her in pieces and for us, when you lose a limb you go into a coma. She was pulled apart and munched upon so she was a vegetable and yet Primus was able to turn her into a Lith… kind of. He impregnated her body with a dark soul from below so he wouldn’t lose a solider. He didn’t care who was in the driver’s seat of her mind as long as her body was still obedient and workable.

About a week before that she finally confessed to cheating on me… often… with more men than she could keep track of. Not because she didn’t care about me but because we are only allowed (by Primus) to be in a monogamous relationship if you are only dating. Once you are married it is expected that you routinely have another partner to avoid anyone getting so caught up in being married and in love that they decide to fall of the band wagon and try to become human again. And if you date for more than 50 years marriage is mandatory.

Genny had been married twice before and those marriages fell apart because of this rule. We were supposed to enjoy just being together and not having to be with other people, but that was never a part of her life that she could let go of. So, we broke up and a week later her body was possessed by a demon.

I felt bad for her yet relieved that since we had broken up I did not have to get involved in that. I don’t mess with regular demons, blood demons, or Lith’s. There is something unnatural about them. I sound like such a hypocrite because what’s natural about being a vampire right? But, at least we still have our human personalities and mannerisms. The ones from below… don’t so much. You can tell that they don’t belong here.

Anyway. I will just have to give Lillibeth time. That’s her name, Like a High School Crush. I’m not going to just abandon her because I do really care for her and if all I can be is her friend then I think I can be happy with that.

That’s what I miss the most anyway. Having someone I can be close to who is honest with me like I thought I had with Genny. I feel drawn to Lilli like we are two souls who just need a break from all the bullshit and can be in a room together and be happy, joke around and laugh together, just that feeling of understanding the other person and being understood. And she’s beautiful.

But, too little too late. I know she really liked Jared and now that they have an honest shot I’m sure they are going to go for it. Just the same, I have to wait a decent amount of time for her so that I can feel like I tried and didn’t just make her into another number, a conquest to be had based on the rumor mill. But, also, I’ve been thinking about relocating and it may be easier to just be her friend from a distance because if they do wind up working out and getting married I don’t want to be the guy she sleeps with to be in line with the mandate. To be so close to her and not have her would just make me miserable but I want her so badly that I know I would give into temptation.

So, at the first sight of possible wedding bells I think I will give that promotion I was offered at the Venom Care Center a shot. They need fresh new faces for the conduction of research and development, how to turn us into super soldiers for the Reign of Blood. Since we don’t have to worry about dying the rules are different.

Tempting.

I may yet meet the next great love of my life there or in the area. I’ve been stationed here in California for so long that England might be a nice change of pace. Or at least that’s what it seemed like when I went on vacation there this past week and a half.

It still hurts that Lilli probably didn’t even register that I was gone or send even one text. But, I’m sure that’s because she didn’t want to give me the wrong idea after pouring my heart out in a last ditch effort to make her mine before she and Jared got serious.

Thanks for letting me vent Elle. I have to go into the office today and I’m sure I will see her and hear all about how exciting her Christmas week with Jared was. I wouldn’t be surprised if they got so close that I will go home feeling heartbroken and be on the next flight out.

Time to face the music.

-Bryan